A Very Long Week

Its been rough for several reasons.  First, we are in that busy time when there are lots of dinners and parties and gatherings and events.  We are all busy, and there is so much to remember to do and make and bring and buy.

Second,  as a teacher, the students are all wound up.  They are ready for a break, and they don't want to work.  Its very hard to motivate kids when their brains are on vacation.

Third, G has had the week from hell at school.  On Monday, he hit and kicked a classmate that fell asleep on the rug.  He also bit another child while they were wrestling.  On Tuesday, he couldn't keep his hands to himself in line.  He also turned his chair so that his back was facing the music teacher.  On Wednesday, he was better about his hands, but acted up at the class party, making a huge mess.  Thursday was okay.  Today was okay as well, according to his teacher, but I disagree.

I went out on the playground during his recess time, figuring we could play a bit.  I found him pinning a little girl on her knees with her hands behind his back.  I hauled him, gave him some heavy work, and handed him over to his teacher.  I guess everything else was okay, based on the note she sent, but I was very disheartened about recess.

Its been terrible at home in the evenings.  Its like he's had no medicine, and I don't understand that.  We've been really good about it.  Is his dose too low?  Is he wound up over Christmas?  Does he just not care right now, so he's not motivated to be good?

We have lots of carrots and sticks in place.  I don't think either of those are necessary.  But its going to be a loooooooong Christmas break.

Sleep

When I was younger, sleep was terrible for me.  Looking back, I know that it was due to the ADHD.  My mind would race and race, and I couldn't calm down to get to sleep.  It doesn't sound like that big of a deal from today's perspective, but there were several years of hell for my parents and I.

I think it was late elementary school when it started.  My parents set up a good bedtime routine for my sister and I.  We would read stories, first together as young kids, then on our own.  We would say prayers and go to bed.  At a certain point, it started taking me up to six hours to fall asleep.  I don't remember my exact bedtime.  I do remember seeing one, two, three o'clock roll around some nights.

I had a lot of anxiety attacks.  Or just fear attacks.  It was a lot like a temper tantrum, but without the anger.  Crying, yelling, begging to sleep with my mom.  As a coping mechanism, I started going to bed earlier and earlier.  I figured that going to bed earlier would mean going to sleep earlier.  It didn't work.

The pediatrician tried to help with a two week supply of sleeping pills.  I remember the glorious feeling those little green pills gave me.  Peace, knowing I wasn't going to have to work at falling asleep.  Happiness that there would be no meltdown.  But it was only for two weeks.  The idea was to reset my sleep habits/internal clock/whatever.  It didn't work.

Starting around dinner time or dusk, whichever would come first given the season, I would become very anxious.  Sometimes the meltdown would occur before bedtime was even a thought for anyone else, because I was so upset about what would be coming.  I can remember going to camp and laying in my bunk about to jump out of my skin because I'd be in an unfamiliar place with new people, and I couldn't freak out.  Or maybe I could.  Then I just couldn't help it.  For years and years, evenings were horrible.

Once I was diagnosed with ADHD and OCD (due to my bedtime routines/behaviors) and medicated for these, the bedtime problems and anxiety disappeared.  Occasionally I have some kind of flashback to what it felt like when I was so wrapped up in the anxiety of laying in bed for hours, wanting to go to sleep.

Then G started having trouble sleeping.  I know my husband hates it when he comes to bed and G is in bed with me, but if G's upset about not being able to sleep, I cave in about 50% of the time.  The rest of the time, I go snuggle with him.  We've had a lot of improvement with lots of exercise and melatonin.  As of right now, I think I've managed to help him avoid the issues I had.

My advice?  Try exercise.  Try melatonin.  Try anything you have to.  Sleep is important, and sleep issues can have longterm impacts on kids.  And ADHD doesn't help with sleep issues at all.

The Elf On The Shelf, ADHD Style

Our little impish friend is named George.  If, in reading this, you are unfamiliar with the elf on the shelf, you can google it and find a bunch of pictures taken by overachieving parents.  People with too much time and energy on their hands.  People I'd like to roll my eyes at.  I wish I could just go back to the time when we didn't have an elf, and let it be just a school thing, as lots of my coworkers get on the elf train.  You see, George causes problems for both my son and me.

For me, its the daily remembering to move him and find some interesting and/or original spot.  EVERY DAY.  Why didn't the elf inventor make it a weekly move/visit to Santa?  Each year, I start out well.  The first three days that George is around, I come up with great spots.  Hanging from the chandelier.  Hiding in a glass cabinet with an Expo marker and a cheeky message.  Then the monotony starts.  He moves from one shelf to another.  Back to the chandelier.  Then the third stage- the one where I forget completely.  "Honey," I whisper.  "Don't let the kids go downstairs!  I have to sneak down and move the #$%& elf!"  The other option is the kids finding him where he was.  "Oh, don't worry, kids.  George must've been too tired to go visit Santa last night and just stayed put."  I don't know how many times I can use that one.

For G, its the fact that George has to be out of reach.  Usually at least five feet up.  It doesn't work to tell him that the magic will disappear if George is touched.  He can't help himself when his meds aren't kicked in.  Well meaning people continually say, "He may surprise you."  If he can't help himself from kissing boys at school, he won't be able to keep his hands off George.  In turn, this need to have George out of reach, makes my job even harder.  Red Solo cup tree?  Nuh-uh.  Bathroom sink marshmallow bath?  Nope.  Driving around in a toy car?  Not happening.  Think about it- how many places can you hide an elf that a kid can't easily get to?  (If cyberspace has any great ideas, let me know ASAP.  I'm already getting desperate.)

And the cherry on top?  I'm not sure that the threat of George does us any good.  My kids aren't very intimidated, for whatever reason.  Oh well.  He goes "home" on Christmas Eve, so that's just 16 more days, right?  I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...

Bad Days

Its been a rough day for G, behaviorally.  I chatted with his teacher yesterday, and the one thing that's really a problem right now is blurting out.  He is curious and full of ideas.  So his questions and comments come fast and furious.  Not great when you're one of twenty or so kids.  So we talked about trying harder, although I wasn't sure it would do any good.

Since G goes to the school I teach at, he comes with me in the mornings.  We got to school at 7:30 this morning, 50 minutes before time to go to class.  He was very busy and did a lot of interrupting while I was working, but I'd given him his meds and figured they'd kick in eventually.  I'm not sure they ever did.  He had a pretty bad day.  Hands all over people, blurting out, disorganized, all up in everyone's business.

Then he spent another hour with me after school.  I was trying to meet about some things with colleagues, and he could not get quiet.  My coworkers think he's adorable, but he couldn't keep himself occupied while we talked.  As we were leaving, I was talking to another coworker, and he WOULD NOT STOP interrupting.

I lost it.  Not outwardly, but inwardly.  I probably would've gone bonkers at him if I hadn't had an audience.  He wanted me to carry his backpack.  I'd said no a dozen times.  I'd told him to stop whining about it.  Then he keeps interrupting, all over something I've already told him no about!

This afternoon he terrorized the cats to no end.  I can't get him to stop picking them up and carrying them around.  He's not hurting them, but he certainly isn't making any feline friends.  He was all over the place, not listening, bothering his brother, trying to touch George the Elf, and on and on.

I started to doubt myself.

Maybe I'm too lenient with him.

Maybe he just needs a good spanking.

Maybe he can really help it.

Maybe I need some Xanax.

And then it hits me.  Wisdom from a children's book.  Some days are like that.  Even in Australia.

The Junk Drawer

I don't know if everyone has a junk drawer in their home.  Everyone that I've met has one, but I'm not sure that I've met enough people to turn that into everyone.  I recently did a little cleaning of my junk drawer, and I was pretty amazed at what I found:

- 3 Thomas the Tank Engine zoo animals
- 2 Toy Story figurines from the grandparents' house
- About 300 small, loose stickers
- 1 roll of motivational stickers
- 1 baggie of magnets
- 1 card about the patron saint of selling houses
- 3 cards from my husband for various events
- 2 unspent giftcards, totaling $60
- 3 small bubble containers/wands
- 5 dry erase markers
- 1 pencil sharpener
- 3 pencils
- 2 bouncy balls
- 1 whistle
- 5 out-of-date coupons
- 10+ pieces of random candy
- 3 partially used packages of gum
- 2 unopened packages of gum
- 4 recipes I've never cooked
- 3 kazoos, all broken
- 2 packages of birthday candles
- 1 waterproof iPhone case

And a bunch of other stuff.  Anyone catch anything interesting in there?  How about those $60 in gift cards?  $10 for Starbucks from a parent, $50 from Amazon from my brother-in-law and his girlfriend.  Both from Christmas last year.  As in, about 11 months ago.  Wow.  I guess I couldn't decide how to spend the cards when I got them, so I put them in a "safe place" to await some decisions.  I totally forgot they were there.  I bought myself a yarn swift on Amazon, which should come soon.  I'm going to have a cup o' joe from Starbucks one day this week, or maybe get a new travel mug.

As silly as it feels to have forgotten about $60 of gifts, it certainly made for a nice surprise.  If only cleaning my house always yielded such delights!

Thanksgiving Dinner

We went down to the in-laws' house for Thanksgiving this year.  Only a two hour drive, and we get to see the grandparents, an uncle, and some other friends/family.  The shopping down there is good too, so we don't complain.  In the past, my mother-in-law has put out a huge spread.  She cooks for days, decorates like a magazine is covering the dinner, and wears herself out.  This year, we decided to all go out to eat.

While I was happy that we could save ourselves, mostly my mother-in-law, the prep work and cleaning up, I was very nervous.

First, we had to time it carefully.  Early enough so that the three year-old wouldn't be too tired from no nap.  Late enough for G's meds to kick in, early enough so they wouldn't be worn off.  We ended up with 2 pm.

Where to go?  Nowhere quiet, that's for sure!  We ended up at a high-end barbecue restaurant.  Laid back, but yummy food.

G and J don't like to sit for very long.  They aren't good at waiting for food to come and for people to finish eating.  They don't sit and look around.  They don't just hang out and color or read.  How to solve this problem?  Again, we looked to Steve Jobs.  An iPhone/iPad each, and we had two hours of delightful food and conversation.

All in all, it was a great meal.  Very low stress.  I was anxious about one thing.  How do we look to all the other parents when we simply hand our children electronic devices?  Screen time is a whole other blog post, or ten.

But I was very thankful for my family, friends, food, and phone.

The Thanksgiving Pageant

Today, thanks to a two hour delay and a student with autism that actually felt like watching an assembly, I got to see G performing in the first grade Thanksgiving pageant.  I have to say it was an amazing experience.  He spotted me quickly, and he was thrilled that I was there.

He sang his little heart out, and he knew most of the motions to the songs.  The music teacher was up front directing everyone, and he tried to keep his eyes on her.  In a few spots, the spirit moved him and he shouted out the words very loudly.  He smiled and sang and danced and sat and stood beautifully.  I clapped and smiled and clapped some more.





And I hung my head when he picked his nose and ate it.

Ah, motherhood.

Parties

One of my readers sent a request for information on having atypical children come to a birthday party.  I’m providing you with a set of potentially handy tips.  While G has ADHD, there are also some anxiety and sensory issues going on with him.  I’m writing this with ADHD, anxiety, and autism spectrum disorders in mind.  Day-to-day parenting is hard enough; parenting in front of other people at a special event can be terrifying.  Here are some ideas that might help to make things smoother:

- I’ve acknowledged that my child is different to you.  It’s okay for other people to acknowledge this as well.  If you know a kid is different, you can ask some questions, like when is a good time for a party (10:00-2:00, prime medication hours), what should we do at the party (whatever the birthday kid wants, just don’t try to make G join in any games), and what should we eat (NO RED DYE!).  This will be different for all children with disabilities.  The one thing to remember is that parents will nearly always be thankful that you cared enough to ask.

If a parent hasn’t acknowledged a difference but you happen to notice that little Timmy is a lot like Sheldon Cooper or Dennis the Menace, you can still have some strategies lined up.

- Set up some off-limits areas in the house.  When the child and parent shows up, gently tell them about the boundaries.  Show where is okay to go and where is not okay to go.  Have a plan if you have something awesome in the off-boundaries area.  (We went to a party where the kids had large AT-AT toys in the playroom and the parents wanted us out of the playroom during cake time.  We told him when he’d be allowed to go back to see the AT-AT toys.  Problem solved.)  If you can lock a door to the off limits area, go ahead.  I lock doors to rooms in my house all the time.

- Have something special for the child to play with that is quiet.  I know that other kids may want to join in.  You can discourage this by saying, “I know that’s really cool, but Timmy needs some quiet time.  You can have a turn after he has a turn.”  If a kid says it’s not fair, I’ve had good success with the following concept: Fair doesn’t mean everyone gets the same thing.  Fair means everyone gets what they need.  Even very small children have been able to understand that, in my experience.

- Enlist help.  Ask someone that you think may be good at it to take 15-20 minutes to hang out with the atypical kid.  This will allow a stressed-out parent to get a drink, have some cake, and be an adult.

- Tell what’s coming next and when it’s coming.  “We are going to have some cake in about five minutes.”  Then, “Two minutes to cake time!”  Transitions are probably the most difficult part for G, and for lots of other kids.  Knowing what is coming next can help a lot.  Also, if your family does something out of the ordinary, like scream the Happy Birthday song, give a warning!  Overstimulation with sound, lights, and scents can trigger a lot of problems.  Give time for the child to prepare or to remove themselves.

- Be open with the atypical kid.  If you’ve said they can’t go into a certain area, stick with it.  Calmly let the child know, “It is very important that we stay out of this area because the cats need quiet.”  Or, “I don’t like it when you scream like that.  Can I help you with something?”  How about, “Oh, you’re standing very close to me.  Can you take two steps back?”  You can also enlist the help of the children around.  If a kid comes and tattles on the atypical kid, saying, “He pushed me and I fell down,” have the kids talk.  I’ve found at school that if a kid tells another kid, “Stop it!  I don’t like that,” we get results much faster.  Tell the child that was pushed, “Please tell Timmy to stop.  Tell him that he hurt you.”  Kids, even the atypical ones, tune out parents after a while.  Kids need to learn social skills.  It takes a village to teach those social skills to some kids.

- If you’ve done these things and a meltdown occurs, offer your help.  Turn to the parent and ask, “Can I help with anything?”  Or “Is there something we can do to help improve the situation?”  If the family leaves, ask later, once things are all calm.  “How could I have helped you avoid something like that in the future?”  This shows you care, and it can help keep it from happening next time.

Keep your sense of humor and assure the parents of your support.  A hug and offer of help can make nearly any situation feel better.  Don’t judge the child or the parent on an extraordinary circumstance.

Most importantly, no matter what a child has done at the party, kneel down, attempt to look him in the eye (don’t force it), and tell him you are glad he came.  Those words are good for the kid, but even better for the parents.

Homework Lessons Learned

I have been teaching for ten years.  Over those years, I've given hundreds of homework assignments, and many of them haven't come back.  I had a very self-righteous feeling about those assignments that didn't get done.  How dare those parents not value their child's education!  What could they be doing in the evenings that's more important than practicing the skills that I decide are so necessary?  How could you leave your paper/book/workbook/etc. at school?  You need those things to do homework!  Don't give me excuses- give me the work!

Then my own kid got to first grade.  There is homework every night, Monday through Thursday.  I have realized a lot about why those homework assignments didn't get returned.  I imagine that I feel very much as a friend felt when, as a successful ENT, he ended up at the emergency room getting a raisin removed from his ear.

Sometimes the kid with ADHD forgets the materials he needs.  Sometimes he puts those materials in someone else's backpack because the other kid's name starts with the same three letters.  Sometimes the parents, even with a master's degree in special education, can't figure out what the directions mean, or which words to study, or what sentences to write.

Sometimes LIFE happens.  Sometimes you have a meeting and swim lessons and dinner and family time.  Sometimes everyone but the kid with the homework feels sick.  Sometimes the parent in charge has ADHD and completely forgets about homework, even though its the same assignment every single Tuesday night.  Sometimes the idea of forcing your writing-adverse kid pick up a pencil makes the nucleus of every cell in your body scream with frustration.

I find it a lot harder now to call up a parent about missing homework.  I find that I gently remind them of the importance, and to please let me know if its too much.  Maybe just write me a quick note if it was too hard or too long or if the evening was just a wash for one reason or another.

And please, for Pete's sake, let me get teachers for my boys in the future who have learned the same lesson I have.

Crazy Cat Family

In the words of my sister, my life must not be crazy enough.  We got kittens last week.  Hugo and Hermione are about three months old, and we rescued them from the humane society.  They are rambunctious, adorable, exciting, and cute!  The boys LOVE them, and we love them.  They hang out together at home in a bathroom while we are at work, keeping each other company and snoozing away.  At night, they sleep with us in our room, and they enjoy messing with my hair.

We are working with G on how to treat these darling kitties.  So far, this is the list of don'ts that he has learned:

- Don't pick them up by the tail.

- Don't touch their bums.

- Don't pull on their legs.

- Don't hit them with the octopus toy on a string.

- Don't stick your hands in the litter box.

- Don't stick your head in the littler box.

- Don't stick anything in the litter box.

- Don't go near the @$&# littler box.

They don't appear terrified of him yet, although they do tend to scurry away from any of us if they think we are going to scoop them up and put them in the bathroom.  We will have to see how the next month or so goes, and I'm interested in seeing if the kitties have to defend themselves anytime soon.  

I am very much in favor of natural consequences for my kids, and I think a good hand-scratching could lead to gentler handling.

We joined a church!

I tend to think that I live not just in the bible belt, but smack dab on the bible buckle.  There are a whole lot of very evangelical Christians here, and they don't always look fondly on beliefs like mine.  I have made some dear friends, and the relationship has been murdered when they have tried to save me.  I was raised Methodist, and find that as far as Christians go, I'm able to have good relationships with other Methodists.  But church has not been my "thing" in quite awhile.

One day last year, my darling five-year old G, came home from school and informed me that we needed to go to church.

Dead silence in the car.  Deep breath.  More silence.

"Well, G, okay.  I think I know where we should go."

And thus began our relationship with the Unitarian church.  My beliefs and my husband's beliefs meld very well in the church, although I can't imagine there are many beliefs that wouldn't mesh.  I knew from early on that the boys would fit in well.  G felt comfortable right away, and I was delighted when he chose to speak at the Day of the Dead ceremony last year in honor of my father.  He has made friends with children and adults.  He fits in.  We fit in.

In the words of one of the first evangelicals I met in our city when we moved here eleven years ago, we've found our church home.

The Vanderbilt Scale

We have an appointment today with the developmental pediatrician.  She gave me a bunch of Vanderbilt rating scales at our appointment six months ago, which I promptly lost.  So I printed one out yesterday, right after the autocall announcing the appointment that I had forgotten about.  I gave it to G's teacher, my colleague, and asked her to put it in my box.  Usually, teachers give the scales to the secretary, who faxes it to the doctor.  But I'm sneaky.  I wanted to see it.

I was expecting a couple of "very oftens" for things like leaving his seat, is easily distracted by extraneous stimuli, or fails to give attention to details.  I also expected some note about fidgeting with hands, due to his inability to leave scabs alone.

I was stunned.  His teacher gave him all "nevers" and "occasionals."  I looked and looked and looked.  Would you believe that she even says he's above average on assignment completion?

I am very happy that he is doing so well in school.  Somewhere between a bit of maturity and two prescription medications, he is behaving well at school and is learning a lot.

I'm not sure why I was so stunned about the ratings she gave.  Is it because I have a distorted vision of what my child is like?  I honestly don't think of G as some kind of demonic kid out to terrorize the world, but he's certainly not angelic.  Is it because he is so different at home?  I don't believe my child is bad, I just don't believe my child has self-control.

We'll just have to see what the pediatrician has to say about the scales.  I filled one out, too, for our life here at home.  A lot of "oftens" and "very oftens" on that sucker.

Report Cards

So report cards came home Friday.  Being an awesome mom with ADHD, I forgot and didn't even look in G's backpack til this evening.  Our school system grades younger kids with E for exceeds, M for meets, P for partially meets, and U for unsatisfactory.  I was expecting Ps and Ms from G, since that's the bulk of what we got last year.  Behavior is SINY- S for satisfactory, I for improving, NY for not yet.  I was expecting a lot of Is, as well.

G had Es and Ms for all academic areas, and Ss for all behavior!  Who is a proud mama?  ME!

Halloween

Its taken a few years and two medications, but we had a good Halloween here.

In years past, we picked costumes, got all dressed up, and then G would only want to give out candy.  (We get over a thousand kids each year, in 1.5-2 hours).  At least two years that I can remember, G picked out his costume and then wouldn't wear it.  We would have to put on pajamas that resembled a costume.

The hours before trick-or-treating would be filled with wild running and screaming.  My husband and I would be trying to convince G to wear the costume we bought/made, while he was crying because it seemed like torture.  Then the kids would start coming, and we couldn't get G to focus.  He was overwhelmed by the kids, the costumes, the noise, and the candy.

After the event, there was no peace in the house.  Even without getting a lot of candy, he'd be so wound up he couldn't sleep.   Hubby and I would be exhausted from a long day at work and then hours of candy distribution, but not G.

This year was great.  He wore his Power Rangers costume with much glee.  We made it to about 20 houses.  We came back home, played with friends, and handed out candy.  We all went to bed.  Awesome.

There was some social awkwardness.  He wanted to make conversation with every single person who came by the house.  He said nice things- "I like your sword!", "I'm a Power Ranger, too!", "I like to play Minecraft!"  But it was always by standing in front of them while they wanted to just get going on their candy-picking way.  He touched a lot of decorations and tried to go into a few houses (hey, the doors were open), making several middle-aged women nervous.  He touched people and their costumes without worrying about socially-acceptable hand placement.  At the end of his rounds, he was ready to go in the house and our steps were full.  Since he isn't Moses and couldn't part the sea of kids, he just barreled his way up the steps.  I caught a nice lady trying to teach him some manners.  "I'm sorry," I said.  "He lives here, he's not trying get ahead of the others for the candy."

Then G and J and their two little friends ate Nerds and played Lego Batman.  It was pretty successful, overall.  363 days until I have to do it all over again.

Small Milestones

Every Monday night, G has the same homework assignment.  He's to write his spelling words three times each.  Today is Tuesday, but since yesterday was a workday with no school for kids, he has Monday's homework today.

Usually this three times each ordeal takes a good twenty minutes.  There is much moaning and gnashing of teeth from both the student and the parent.  Today I took a different approach.  I bribed.

I passed G on his way to my classroom.  I told him I'd give him a treat if he had all the homework done when I got back from putting my kindergarteners on the bus.  He seemed thrilled, but I've heard it all before.  The bribe isn't so interesting when Mom's not around to make you get down to work.

Twenty minutes later, I walked into my classroom.  And...

IT WAS DONE!  My six-year old with ADHD did a homework assignment by himself!

Hopefully, when he's fifteen, I won't be bribing him with candy to do his work.  I hope I can phase out the bribery by middle school at the latest.  But I was proud that he had an incentive and made himself get the work done.  Some good executive functioning going on there!

See? I have ADHD, too!

I have many friends and colleagues that seem skeptical about my ADHD.  I've held down a job for an extended amount of time.  I have managed to keep some of the same hobbies for decades, such as quilting and knitting.  I'd say I'm fairly successful as an adult.

However, I can't stick with things.

This blog, for example.  I fell off the face of the earth.  Its okay- school got busy.

My quilting, for example.  I still do it.  I just haven't finished more than half of what I've started.  My first quilt ever, started while I was in high school, is still unfinished.  (I graduated in 1997...)  I started a quilt with the clothes of my friend's father.  Its less than halfway done, over a year in.

I started needle-pointing a stocking for J soon after he was born.  Its nowhere near done, and this will be his fourth Christmas.

Hopefully this winter will give me some time inside to get some projects finished.  Anyone out there have advice on how to get these projects all completed?  All the new ones call me away before real progress gets made!

K-I-S-S-I-N-G

First of all, I'm sorry for dropping off the face of the blog for awhile.  School has overwhelmed me, and my depression was flaring up.  Things are looking better.

So I went to eat lunch with G at school today.  I sat down next to G, and a cute little boy sat down across from us.  The boy looked at me and said, "G has a problem with kissing boys."

Uhhhh...

...

Ummmm...

...

"G, what's he talking about?"

Poor G.  He hung his little head.  "I accidentally kissed A."

"Accidentally?" I asked.  "Or you made a mistake?"  (We have been working for awhile on the difference between accidents and mistakes.  He still hasn't gotten it yet.)

"I made a mistake.  I like him.  He's my friend.  And now he says he won't play with me anymore."

Oh, my heart nearly broke.  For the record, I don't care about G kissing a boy.  There's nothing sexual about G's behavior at this age.  I do care that my little guy is making choices that are alienating him from the other kids his age.  (Plus I'm a little upset that he's kissing anyone at school.  We do not kiss people we aren't related to.  And school is a no-kissing zone.)

So we talked about saying we're sorry.  We talked about appropriate ways to show our affection for friends, like fist bumps and high fives.  We talked about respecting people's bodies.

This gave me flashbacks to my childhood, being unable to control how much I talked or how absurd I was.  I just want G to have friends when he wants them.  I know he can be very introverted, but I hate to see him sad and lonely when he's looking for someone to play with.

Its Just Talk

So my boys have a big issue when it comes to getting along.  They usually get along well, and nothing about their relationship is out of the ordinary for their gender and age difference.  Sometimes they don't like to share.  Sometimes they want to be alone when the other wants company.  Sometimes they both just get really bored.

But G frequently cannot deal with the things J says.  I mean, J is three and full of himself.  J will be talking about a box of crackers we just bought for the family and he'll say that the box is his.  G loses it completely- hitting, kicking, and screaming.  We all know that the box of crackers is for the whole family.  J is just talking to hear himself, and he also knows he can get a rise out of G.  Ownership is a big part of this- J will say one of a toy is his.  Or food.  Or a plant out in the yard.  Of a gift under the Christmas tree.  Or a car driving down the road.  I know who the stuff belongs to.  Daddy knows who the stuff belongs to.  G and J both know who it belongs to.  G cannot just let it go.

I've tried telling G to ignore it, using reason and a soothing tone of voice.  I've tried separating them when J seems to be having too much fun picking at G.  I've tried ignoring them both and seeing who wins the fight (until the hitting/kicking/choking starts), especially since its a pretty dumb fight to have.  So far, nothing has worked.  G can't let it go, and J has too much fun getting his big brother worked up.

Maybe, ten years from now, they'll be fighting over different things, and I'll look back longingly at this stage.  Or maybe they'll be having the exact same fight because G still gets worked up and J still thinks its funny.  By then I might just have gone completely crazy.

Dilemma

What do you do when your child with ADHD has a bad day, and someone else's child gets hurt?  I really wish I didn't have to ask this question, but I don't know what to do.

G had a rough day and was putting his hands on lots of kids in the class.  He had his evening medicine last night and his morning medicine today.  At some point, before the meds should have worn off, he had his hands on another boy in his class.  The boy ended up on the ground, and his arm was scraped up pretty well.

I got a note from the teacher.  G and I discussed his behavior.  He lost all screen time for the afternoon and evening, and I ended up putting him to bed earlier than usual (mainly because we're all exhausted in the house today).  I didn't go nuts with the admonishing, but I made sure he knew that he had consequences for his behavior.

I still feel guilty.  I hate knowing that someone got hurt because of my kid.  If G had gotten scraped up, if the roles were reversed, I wouldn't make a big deal of it.  But what if this other kid's mom makes a big deal of it?  What if she shows up at school all mad that her child got hurt?  I want G to be able to help it.  I can't do anything more than I'm already doing.  Spanking him and taking away his Legos isn't going to make it any easier for him to keep his hands to himself.  Or am I enabling my child's behavior?

How do other parents out there deal with this?

Morning Routine

It is hard enough for me to set my own alarm, get showered and dressed, pack myself a lunch, and get all my stuff out the door for work.  I thank my mom and dad for working very hard to make me independent at these things as a kid so that I'm successful as an adult.  With kids, I have to pack lunches, sign folders, and send money for field trips. I just need G to start working on his part of the morning routine.  He's driving me nuts.

Every morning we have so much drama.  Drama about getting out of bed.  Drama about taking of the pajamas and putting on the clothes.  Drama about going downstairs for breakfast, and no detours to Daddy to play with his iPad!

So I have a checklist.  Its got little steps.  We are going to try tomorrow to see if he can do each thing and only be asked once for each step.  If he fusses or doesn't comply, he'll lose screen time.  Tomorrow morning with be a great experiment to see if he can handle the situation.  I was about to pull my hair out this morning.  That or leave for work and make him stay with Daddy.  Daddy does a really good "bad cop" routine.

I'll keep you posted on how it goes!

ADHD and My Weight

I have struggled with being overweight for most of my adult life.  I attribute this to a couple of different things, but while I can pinpoint some of the issues, I've yet to actually solve the problem.

I am a mild binge eater, on a regular basis.  I won't buy and eat several boxes of cookies, but if there's a box in the house, and its open, I'll eat a lot of them.  Or finish the whole box with the idea that if I finish it, it won't be calling my name anymore.  I go on frequent little binges.  I have done this fairly steadily from childhood on.  I don't know if has to do with impulse control or some signal in my brain that my ancestors had to always be prepared for a famine.  I just know how embarrassing it was when my mom found I'd been hoarding food in my closet.

I also have no sticking power for diets.  I can go a couple of weeks pretty steadily, and then I'll fall off the wagon.  I can get back on, only to fall off again fairly quickly.  I'll go to a store not expecting to buy any junk food (sugary stuff is my weakness), but come out with a box of something unhealthy.  In my mind, I know I shouldn't buy or eat the junk.  I'll tell myself no, but I can't stick with it.  Forget the diet, I'll say to myself.  I know I'll regret it later.  I know that one flop on the diet usually leads me to another.  I have yet to figure out a way to keep myself from sabotaging myself.

This weekend I sabotaged myself.  I'm four pounds away from a goal weight I've had for months.  FOUR POUNDS.  And I ordered pizza Sunday night.  Starting tomorrow morning, I'm getting back on the wagon.  See ya later, four pounds!

Single Parent

So I know I don't get to act like some kind of saint, but last week was rough.  My husband was away on a trip, for fun, while I was home with both boys.  And my mom's out of town, so there wasn't any family around to help out.

We survived!  Yay!

I was expecting some kind of disaster related to my ADHD.  Forgetting someone's lunch.  Forgetting to pick up a kid.  Losing my wallet/keys/checkbook.  Not making it to an important meeting at work, of which there were several.  Someone getting sick, me needing to be away from school, and having no sub plans ready.

It all went very well!  I was exhausted by Friday, but everyone survived and I was as successful at work as I usually am.  A few little hiccups, but nothing terrible.  I did have a babysitter come Friday and put J to bed and get G ready for bed.  I went grocery shopping and bought ice cream I shouldn't have bought, but I ate some and threw the rest away.

So Hubs is home, and life can go back to low level craziness.  And I'll get back to posting regularly.

9/11

I had a very interesting minute or two today.  On 9/11/2001, I was student teaching in a classroom of first graders in the mountains of North Carolina.  I was swallowed by my sorrow, compounded by their confusion about what was going on in the world around them.  I had to endure praying over the intercom at school, with mentions of God and Jesus- in a public school.  I had to try to gently correct and redirect students who spouted the rhetoric of hate from their close-minded families.  I sheltered G from the Sandy Hook school shootings, but there was no way to shelter kids from 9/11.  Until today, it wasn't a situation we talked of much at our house.

Today G's teacher emailed us parents that she had taught a lesson about Patriot Day and 9/11.  So I decided to talk to G about it.  He first told me he couldn't remember (the start of EVERY SINGLE CONVERSATION with him about school), but then said, "There were the twin towers and some bad people flew planes into them."  He then went on to talk about bit about how the bad people died, to which I spoke of all the good people that died, too.  Then I told him about how I was with a group of first graders when it happened.  How it was a long time ago- those kids are nearly grown now- but I still get sad.

I've been so busy all day that except for the moment of silence at school, dedicated to those that lost their lives, I haven't had a chance to think about that day.  Everyone has a moment that they think of in their lives- where were you when you heard...  Pearl Harbor had been attacked...  JFK was shot...  MLK jr was shot... the Challenger had exploded...  a tsunami had killed hundreds of thousands...  planes had hit the Word Trade Center.

What if my sons didn't have to have that moment?  What if there was no catastrophic event to track what generation they belong to?

More of the Medicine Saga

G is not a fan of his medicine.  He takes a type that comes out of a capsule.  It looks like a bunch of little white sprinkles, but I bet it tastes bad.

At four, we simply hid the medicine in the pudding or applesauce and didn't tell him.  He couldn't see it, so for months and months he didn't know it was in there.

At five, we just got stern.  Yep, there's medicine in there.  Nope, you don't get the choice about taking it.  You refuse to open your mouth?  Well, no screen time for you.  Problem solved.

At six, he's been doing well.  He's not thrilled, but there hasn't been much of a fight in ages.  The biggest problem recently has been getting the spoon into a mouth that is on jumping, hopping, skipping, running, or spinning legs.  I do not like trying to hit a moving target.

Then we had an incident this morning.  Little darling didn't swallow the applesauce right away and drank some water.  He held the slop in his mouth and wouldn't swallow.  Eventually, some of the applesauce and some of the water and some of the medicine came back out onto the floor and his shirt and hands.  I was not very sweet about it.

First of all, we have to do insane things every three months to get that prescription.  Then, it costs about $2 for each pill.  Shirt?  Floor?  Hands?  No, sir.  This mom was not happy.  He's been read the riot act and swears he's going to do it the right way.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

What He Knows

G knows that he's different.  The people around me know that G is different.  I've found that I'm not closed-mouthed about things, and its worked well for us.  I know that lots of people won't agree with how we are dealing with G's difficulties, and I'm okay with that.  What works for me won't necessarily work for everyone else.

I tell people that G has ADHD and that he takes medication.  I tell them when its necessary to explain why a situation is deteriorating.  I tell them when they talk about their child's special needs.  The parents of kids in his class know, because of conversations like this:

"Hi!  I'm G's mom.  Thanks for inviting him to your kid's birthday party.  I was wondering if I could stick around and help.  He has ADHD and some sensory and social issues.  I'll make sure he's doing okay, and I can help you out if you need anything."

This conversation tends to go over really well.  People are usually surprised to hear he has ADHD because we limit his unmedicated exposure to the world.

G knows he takes medication to help his "self-control."  We don't let ADHD be an excuse for bad behavior.  He knows that he has trouble making good choices sometimes, that the medicine helps him make good choices, but that he's always growing and changing, and we want him to keep working on making good choices, with or without medicine.  (Heck of a run-on sentence.  Sorry.)

I know not everyone wants to have their child's issues hanging out there for all to know.  I also know that some people have no choice about people seeing/hearing/knowing about their child's issues.  Every family has to do what works best for them.  Hopefully, being open about G's issues will help people understand him better and deal with him more patiently.  Hopefully he'll continue to grow and change and build independence.

I know its normal...

But I can't handle my kid saying, "Stop telling me what to do!"  I mean, I teach kids his age and maturity level.  I've been given the stink-eye and yelled at plenty of times.  I'm used to being the bad guy who enforces the rules with tough love.

This is different, though.  As a teacher, I can send that grumpy child home to someone else.  I can't send G home until he comes back to me with a better attitude.  For right now, we are justing using his room as a grumpy spot.  If he starts being too angry, we send him up to cool down.  He settles down pretty quickly, as his ADHD make him highly distractible.

"NO!  I won't do that.  Stop telling me what to do!  I'm angry!  Look- Legos!  I'm going to build the Sarlacc!"  Two minute tantrum.  Done.

I do need to find a way to get that phrase out of his repertoire.  I'm his mom.  My husband is his dad.  As his parents, it is our right... make that our pleasure... to get to tell him what to do.  And he's going to just have to deal with it.

More About Medication

I love our ADHD medications.  10 mg Focalin XR each morning.  One Intuniv each evening.  I especially like that Intuniv doesn't require me to jump through hoops for a refill.  Easy peasy, lemon squeezy.

Remembering to give the medications is a daily struggle in our family.  I give G the morning dose of Focalin, and we haven't forgotten in ages.  (I do carry an emergency stash, just in case.)  I do live in fear that I'll forget, he'll have a terrible day, and it'll be all my fault.

The evening dose is harder to remember, since my husband and I take turns with putting G to bed.  If I'm working late, he puts G to bed, and invariably forgets to give G the medicine.  If he's putting G to bed and I'm home, I have to remember the meds.  That usually entails me running up with a spoonful of applesauce right after the lights have been turned out.  Same goes for when I put G to bed myself.

Fortunately, its not too bad when G doesn't have his meds.  He's less focused, but not totally unable to function.  He tends to be a bit more cheerful without the Intuniv, but then we wouldn't ever get homework done.  Or survive dinnertime.

Its all part of the grand balancing act that we go through.  There are times when I am so sad that it takes two medications to keep G functioning well.  Then I remember that we are doing what he needs to function.  We wouldn't question medicating him for epilepsy or diabetes.  That helps me keep things in perspective.

So Far, So Good

I'm very pleased with how the school year is going so far for G.  Again, it really helps that he's at my school.  I keep a very close eye on things before and after school, so there's no messing around in the hallways.  I started out the year trying to avoid seeing G or being seen by G.  This week has seen my regular schedule start up, and I don't have time to breathe, much less wander around the school.

I've already seen improvement in reading and writing.  He's gained more sightwords, and he's not balking at the writing assignments like he has in the past.  Mind, he's really off-task during homework if we do it in the evenings.  It takes about twice as long as it should.  But he's pretty pleasant, so its not like pulling out wisdom teeth.

The teacher's positive behavior system is continuing to work.  She has a good handle on the classroom and the kids in it.

He's been sleeping well, and I'm not sure what that's due to.  I suspect its a mixture of being worked hard at school and then taking a medication that causes drowsiness.  I'm not unhappy about it- I hated my sleep issues as a kid, so I don't want G to have them.

I hope everyone else is having a great start to their school year!

If it works for me...

It may work for G.  Today we had homework.  Its nothing huge- ten spelling words, written three times each.  Boy, oh boy.  Fun stuff when you hate to write!  I sat G down to do his work after school, and he fussed and fussed.  I asked him to tell me what I could do to help.  He wanted me two write each word two times so he only had to write them once.  Sorry, kid.  No can do.

Then it hit me.  Sometimes, I need breaks in between my work.  So I had him write each word once, then take a break, write each word once, take a break, write each word the last time.

Ta da!  Homework completed about eight minutes later.  Word to the parents out there struggling with homework- chunk it.  (I typed chuck it first.  While I like the idea of chucking homework, my colleagues would string me up.)  Use timers.  Set goals.  Break it up so that kids have a chance to wiggle and chill out.

And I'll keep working on doing this myself when all the work piles up!

Work Completion

I have a whole lot of work to do today.  Its nice to have a three-day weekend, so I spent two days doing family stuff.  Today is work day.  Lesson plans, paperwork, laundry, homework assignments for my students, worksheets for use in class...

I've already given up.  I have lesson plans for Tuesday and Wednesday.  I have some math papers ready to use.  The laundry is nearly done.  I did three of the six special education documents I need to get done.  I updated my to-do list on my Google calendar.  And, I'm just done.

What I can't figure out is if I have other things I'd rather do, or if I just don't want to do the stuff I have to do.  I'd like to go get some stuff we need at Sam's Club.  We are also going to join the Y, so that could be fun to do today.  But even if I didn't find something else that I wanted to do more, I don't think I'd want to keep working on school work.

I worked some last night.  I worked some this morning.  I'll probably work some more this evening.  So breaking it up is a good way to put a dent in the list of things to do.  I'd feel really awesome if it was all finished at one sitting, but that's just unrealistic.

Sensitive

All my life, I've been accused of being too sensitive.  Maybe I really am.  I think that sticks, stones, and words can hurt.  I was impossible to tease growing up, not that my family didn't keep at it.  I was guaranteed to have a big reaction.  My feelings get hurt very easily, though.

When I was in fourth grade, we had a substitute teacher, Mrs. Schuester.  She was the mother of a boy a year older than me, so she was at school a lot.  I don't remember the exact wording, and I don't remember the context, but I remember being called "Motor Mouth" in front of the entire class.  I have always been a talker.  I talk during lectures, experiments, plays, movies, church services, funerals, weddings, anything.  So I understand that I'd probably been driving her nuts with my constant talking.

I'll tell you this, though.  I saw Mrs. Schuester years later at a grocery store.  I was angry.  After seven or eight years, I was still feeling mad at her for embarrassing me in front of my peers.  I'm thirty-three now, and I still remember that she was wearing a red sweater and a gold necklace that day.  I still feel ashamed.  Luckily, the nickname didn't stick, although it wasn't the only time I heard it applied to me.

As a teacher and mother, I feel that there are certain lines you don't cross.  Address the behavior, not the child.  Recently G was having a bit of a meltdown in the car in the presence of someone that isn't in our immediate family.  It was a transition from the pool back to home, and transitions are really rough.  This person said, "G, you're pathetic!"

Even when I made a comment about how I didn't like that being said, both the person who said the comment and my husband both feel I'm being too sensitive.  Tell G his tantrum is pathetic (still not my favorite way to go, but at least its addressing the behavior instead of the child...) or find some other words!  Or don't give any attention to the behavior that you don't like!

Sticks, stones, and words can hurt.  Watch what you say to a child.  You never know if what you say is going to haunt them for years.  After Columbine High School and Sandy Hook Elementary School, we know what low self-esteem coupled with mental illness can lead to in the most extreme forms.

Great Day

Some days, it all goes the way its supposed to.  G got up with his alarm and was pleasant when he got dressed.  He was great this morning before my meeting at school, and he played in my classroom nicely while I was gone.  We caught up after, and he wanted me to walk him to class.  He held my hand, and I got a nice hug, too.

At the end of the day, G went right to my classroom.  No one had to tell him where to go or what to do- he just did it.  No one got hurt, and I didn't have to oversee the writing of any apologies.  When I asked how his day was, it turns out his name was on "Great Day".  A step up from "Good Day"!  Much better than "Think About It" or "Walk 15 Laps at Recess."  I love that his teacher has options to move up during the day- not just down.  They are also earning tickets for positive behavior.  G is very excited about these tickets!  Positive reinforcement can work wonders!

I know that there is a lot of venting for parents of kids with disabilities.  I also know that many parents of kids with more severe disabilities would give a limb for what I perceive as extremely stressful.  I have seen great growth in the last two years, especially in the year and a half with medicine.  It takes two medications and a Master's degree in special education, but G is coming along nicely.

Most days.

Really?

I thought I was doing okay on the subject of putting body parts in inappropriate places.  I mean, I know I have boys.  I know I have years of discussions about body parts and inappropriate places.  We haven't had anything get stuck in ears or noses.  We haven't had issues with zippers or drawers with the boy bits.  No fingers in light sockets.

G is having a week with his feet, though.

Saturday, he got his foot stuck between the back and headrest of my husband's car.  I mean stuck.  We were on our way back from a playdate, so I pulled into a parking lot and tried to dislodge it.  No luck.  I tried calling my husband, thinking he would surely know how to adjust the headrest.  He wasn't answering.  So, since I was driving a Volvo, I went to the Volvo dealership.  It was really close.  I pulled to the service area, but there wasn't anyone around.  I then pulled to the front and went in the door.  The nice gentleman looked at me, probably hoping I was going to buy a car.  But no.

"Um, my son got his foot stuck in the passenger seat.  I can't figure out how to get it out.  I thought maybe as a Volvo dealership you could help?"  Then I laughed, because how absurd and ridiculous is it?!?

The guy came out, and with quite a bit of concern, dislodged G's foot.  (Shoving was involved.  It turns out the guy didn't know how to adjust the headrest.)  We all drove off, and I'm sure the guy had a good laugh.

Today he got his foot stuck in the armhole of a "puddle jumper," a kiddie flotation device.  It took a whole lot of tugging and pulling to fix that one.

Enough with the feet already, G!

On a nearly unrelated note, I discovered that my three-year-old has insanely stinky feet.  I was driving home from dinner tonight and he took off his shoes.  The smell was overwhelming.

Boys.  Sheesh.

More About The Difference

J has been in preschool for seven days, five last week and two this week.  The experience is giving me more information about the difference between the two boys.

I know that most boys can be wild.  G and J have their moments, and they definitely feed off each other.  Together, or even separately, at home, they can be whiney, oppositional, aggressive.  I know its typical, and some days are better than others.  When they are super tired or overstimulated, it gets worse.  Totally normal.

But G and J at three?  At school?  G was a mess.  He had difficulty making and keeping friends- the other kids were frequently afraid of him.  He had no ability to put a lid on certain behaviors away from home.  Any situation would trigger the inappropriate behaviors, and he couldn't control them.  Entire classes were disrupted, students got hurt, things were broken.

J, on the other hand, is the apple of his teacher's eye.  He has gotten perfect marks on his positive behavior system charts.  The other kids want to hug him, and he's talking about his friends.  The teachers say he follows directions and is great at cleaning up.

G, before medicine, couldn't control himself in varying situation.  J, as a neurotypical child, has no problem altering his behavior to fit a given situation.

I do not prefer one child over the other.  There are things about G that I love, and these things make him very different from his brother.  J has his own unique set of traits.  The boys are so different, and i love them both so much.  It really is amazing, though, to send a kid to school and not have to be really tense each day when its time to pick him up.  With G, I'm always anticipating a problem at home or at school.  Thinking about how to head off a problem before it happens.  Apologizing and making up for incidents.  With J, its a whole other ballgame.

The First Day of First Grade

I didn't get to see G much today.  Since I'm working with three grade levels this year, I was like the proverbial one-armed paperhanger.  Very busy!  I poked my head into his lunch line for a high five, and he seemed pretty happy.

After school, he was heading to my classroom, and I asked the guidance counselor if he could hang in her room for a bit (I had to get a couple of kinders on the bus).  Next thing I know, the guidance counselor comes to tell me that G has pinched the son of a colleague of ours.  Really hard.

Ugh.  On the first day of school.  Really, G?  The first day of school?

G and this little guy have a history.  They didn't get along last year during the ten minutes they saw each other (he's a grade below but caught the bus to pre-k at another school), and G has decided he doesn't like this boy.

I explained that we aren't going to like everyone.  And that's okay.  It is not, however, okay to hurt someone.  He's older, and its his job to be safe and keep others safe.  So we went back to my room and took an hour to write an apology.  Too bad we didn't get to the real homework!

I'm just frustrated.  The first day of school has enough drama without any extra.  And this is at my job!  I have to go work with this child's mother!  C'mon, G.  Help me out.

I hope I didn't give him too hard a time about it.  We've discussed the situation some, but he just told my husband, "Let's not talk about the bad stuff that happened today.  Let's just talk about how I was good in class."

There's always tomorrow, right?

Inheritance

I find it kind of strange that my children inherited some peculiar traits from me.  I mean, G has my ADHD.  Not strange.  J has my blue eyes.  Not strange.  But G inherited my inability to deal with suspense.  And its strange.

I was the laughing stock of my husband and in-laws for quite awhile after a movie incident years ago.  We were watching "Meet the Parents."  It was not my first time seeing the movie.  I thought it was funny, but hard to watch.  We get to the scene with the cat on the roof.  Everyone in the room is laughing.

I had to get up and leave.  I could not stand to watch the destruction.  It was just too much, even though it was all funny.

I threatened to walk out of the theater during the last "Lord of the Rings" movie when my husband wanted me to sit and wait it out to see if Aragorn and Arwen end up together.  I was about to leave- I couldn't take it.

I honestly read movie spoilers online before going to see the movie, just so I know.

G has this issue as well.  I can't even count the number of times that we've been watching some innocuous children's show- Doc McStuffins, Mike the Knight, Team Umi Zoomi- and he's run out of the room with his hands on his ears, yelling, "I can't stand it!"  These are not scary shows!  I mean, c'mon.  Doc McStuffins has never lost a patient, and I can't imagine the Disney cooperation allowing a toy doctor to kill off a talking baby doll.

Poor husband o' mine.  He loves movies.  Any and all of them.  And he's stuck with me, who won't watch anything overly dramatic, and G, who freaks out at movies he's already seen a dozen times.

I don't think its an ADHD thing, because other ADHDers that I know don't have this issue.  I think its just me being me and G being G.

What's the strangest thing that your child has inherited from you?

The Importance of Friends

Friendships have always been awkward or difficult for me.  Maybe I come on too strong.  Maybe I'm not particularly interesting.  Maybe there just aren't many kindred spirits of mine floating around out there.  In the last few years, I have found a friend, and that friendship has been important on many levels.

I can call her to get together as friends or as moms.  We have similar interests and talents.  Our boys are close together in ages so they enjoy playing together.  She has a great sense of humor and our husbands get along.

But there's a whole other level.  I don't have to explain G to her.  I don't have to worry about being judged.  If G snatches a toy from her kid, she'll tell him that G's in a bad mood, but its G's toy and he's in a bad mood, and sometimes its like that.  (I do make G give the toy back and apologize.)  If G does something naughty in front of her, she'll nicely correct him and send him on his way, without any nasty looks or comments to me.

This unwavering support is amazing.  It takes away so much stress when I know that I'm not being watched and judged as a parent.  I can't imagine what my life would be like if I didn't have the support of friends and family that "get it."

We talk about it taking a village to raise a child.  I don't think it ends as children.  I think we all need a village to be happy and healthy people.  And she has been one of the best additions to my village.  (My village is named Wildland.  We Wildlanders love cookies.)

Two years ago...

I found something I wrote two years ago in November, before G was on medicine.  It seems I haven't come all that far, as these things are all so true.  Except he's six now.

"I am not sure that I'm parenting G well. I'm just going to throw that out there. I guess I'm doing the best I can, and maybe there aren't other people who would do it better. However, I feel like a person with a degree in special education could do a better job of dealing with a four-year-old with some major impulse control issues.

G is amazing. He does everything with "reckless abandon." He plays, eats, sleeps,loves, learns... all with the same attitude. He just goes forward at light speed, leaving a path behind him. He's so damn smart that it thrills me to my toes. But I can't get him to stop and think before he acts. I have seen great improvement. He knows to stay close in a parking lot and look before stepping out, but if there was a Lego display on the other side of the parking lot, he'd be squashed. He knows he should apologize for tackling/hitting/spitting/biting/etc, but its a drive-by "Sorry!" flung without eye contact; he's too busy thinking about what he's going to do next.

Anyhow, after a day with my medium boy (he's not little, and he's not big, so he tells me...), I'm tired. And I feel sorry for his pre-k teacher. I send her my best every day. This being that I grew and carried and nurtured. I work with a teacher that frequently talks about how, no matter how bad a kid's behavior is or what the parents are like, that child is the best thing that parent has. And its true. I like my house, my job, my car, my crafts... but G and J are the best things I have to give to the world. So I send G to his teacher, the best thing I've got, and he wears HER out all day.

Today I learned that G has some interesting views on math. 1 and 1 makes 2. 1 and 1 also make 11."

These boys are still my absolute best.  They are the most amazing legacy I have to pass on to the world.  I wonder if I'll still feel so conflicted about parenting G two years from now, ten years from now, twenty years from now.  It seems like an awfully long time to be unsure of my skills in a given area.  Surely, twenty years from now, he'll be all grwon up and I can breathe again.

Ups and Downs

We are having a week of limbo.  J just started his new preschool Monday.  G doesn't start school until the 26th, so he's been with my mom.  They have had some great days together.  Today they went to the pool, and G was so sweet to one of the other kids there.  He helped her look for her special toy and was trying to be a good friend.

I picked him up and got lots of hugs.  The medicine had worn off, and he was a little wild, but I like the wild hugs the best.

We got home and dinner was a joint effort.  While my husband and I were working on different dinner things, the boys were playing.  They tussled a bit over who had a toy first, but I wasn't too worried.  J was doing his typical "scream when my brother looks at me" routine.  I don't know what set things off, but I looked over to see G choking J.

Now, I'm don't want to act like the boys don't get rough with each other.  But I wasn't prepared for this.  It was both hands around the neck.  I snapped.  I yelled and sent G up to his room.  After a few minutes, I had him come downstairs and I fed him a simple dinner.  Then I took him up and put him to bed.  Softy that I am, I gave him three books to look at.  (He was in bed nearly two hours earlier than last night- big change.)

I just feel so bad for J.  Mind you, J can be an obnoxious little brother at times.  Choking is just a whole other level than pushing or hitting, at least in my mind.  G was very sorry about the incident, and I have no doubt that his regret is real.  I just hope that my reaction and the consequences will be enough to prevent round two of this fight.

This part of parenthood is the pits.

Touching the Future

Today, I'm not writing as a parent.  I'm not writing as a person with ADHD.  I'm writing as a teacher.  I had a profoundly moving experience this afternoon.  I'm going into my eleventh year of teaching students with mild to moderate disabilities.  I average five to seven new students each year.  I'm terrible with names and recognizing faces, especially when its been awhile since I've seen someone.

I was in the library this afternoon working on visual schedules.  From where I was standing, I could see the door to my classroom.  I happened to see a young man peeking in my room.  He looked a lot like Michael Orr, the football player of "The Blindside" fame.  He saw the room was empty, so he turned to leave.  I called out, "Are you looking for me?"

That young man turned around, smiled, and said, "Yes, ma'am."  I nearly fell over.

I'm going to call him John.  The first time I met John, he was in second grade.  The annual "Mother's Day Tea" was in full swing, with doting moms and grandmas all over the place.  John, however, was under a low table, in a handsome pink shirt, crying his eyes out.  His mother was unable to come.  Maybe she forgot, or maybe she couldn't get off work, or maybe she couldn't get a ride.  But John was heartbroken, and none of the other teachers could coax him out.

I approached the table, knelt down, and pretended to cry myself.  "I can't believe it!" I gushed.  "I was supposed to be here to get to be someone's special guest.  And I can't find anyone to be with.  Please, PLEASE tell me you'll let me be your guest!"

John perked right up and gave me a beautiful smile.  I tell you- he was the most attentive little guy.  I had lots and lots of treats, and my cup was never empty of a drink.

I got to work with him off and on through the next three years.  When frustrated, he would look at me, shaking his head, muttering, "Mashugana."  He consistently wore pink, and he was handsome as could be.  Homework was a problem, as was staying serious and on-task in class.  There were tears fairly frequently.

So I was looking at this young man, who had just "ma'am-ed" me and towered over my 5'8" by several more inches.  "John?"  (I was terrified I would get the wrong name.  I remembered the table, the shirt, the mashuganas... but the name!)  And he smiled.  I hugged him and asked him lots of questions.  He's seventeen.  Going into eleventh grade.  Doing well in school.  More ma'ams.  I gave him another hug and told him to come find me when he graduates- I'll have a present for him. (I don't know what- any ideas, cyberspace?) 

I hope like anything that G and J can bring that feeling to a teacher someday.  I feel like I'm such a small part of my students' lives, especially since there's such a long time between elementary school and graduation from high school.  The moral of my story?  Go tell your teachers how much they've impacted you.  Tell them about the things that may be small and insignificant, because your encouragement may make their day, their week, their year.  Spread some love!

"I touch the future.  I teach."  Christa Macauliffe

Meet the Teacher

This afternoon, G got to meet his upcoming first grade teacher.  I think it went really well, but I was cautious about it, planned some things ahead, and the teacher had some things ready.

- We went when the medication was in him.  Registration day is 12:30-7:00 pm.  If we registered him in the evening, my husband could come.  But G wouldn't be his best self.

- My mom came along.  It was helpful to have a second set of ears, since I don't always retain information.

- The teacher had a heads-up about G (duh- she's my colleague- but I would've met with her beforehand if she didn't work with me), so she was prepared for him.

- I let G do the talking.  He tends to take awhile to answer questions (10 second pause, about), but I didn't step in.  He's got to work on it.

- The teacher had a series of numbered activities to complete.  Step 1: Sign in with names, phone numbers, and emails.  Step 2: Read the rules packet.  Step 3: Fill out the student survey.  Etc.  It gave G a purpose for the time.

I have a great feeling about things.  Mrs. D is firm and fair.  Younger, but with experience.  Homework is going to kill me, but that's for another blog entry; I'm terrified about how I'll survive it!

One aside, my heart was happy when I left.  There's a little boy from G's kindergarten class that's with him again.  G went to his birthday party.  The boy's mom volunteers at the school, so she's seen G at his best and worst.  Her son is awesome.  Quiet, calm, great reader, neurotypical...  He couldn't come and pick his seat, so his mom picked a desk for him.  We were the first two kids to come in and pick.  And where did she put her little guy?  Right next to my little guy.  She could've put him on the other side of the room, but she didn't.  She picked a seat next to G.  It was awesome.

Karate, Part 3

G has been in karate since early July.  Its been a roller coaster, but lately he's been doing really well.  He still isn't very attentive, and he really likes to talk to the teachers about anything that's on his mind.  He is doing a much better job at keeping his hands, feet, and esophageal ganglia to himself.  He blows on the kids every once in awhile, but its not nearly as often as before.  And we haven't had take-downs or other major physical issues in ages.

His teacher came up to me today and asked if we would be re-enrolling G for more lessons.  As far as extracurricular activities go, this karate program has been our best experience.  I figured I'd talk to G and my husband about how long (this decides pricing) we wanted to register for.

After class, I talk to G, and guess what? 

He doesn't want to keep going karate.

Really?  I mean, REALLY?

He did have a really cute idea about saving my money and putting it in his jar so that he can have more money and buy something with it.  He's all about the toys.  I get that.  Now I don't know what to do.  I know that some kids are joiners and some aren't.  But how much do you press when its a kid with social skills problems, ADHD, and sensory issues?  Does he have to have a good reason?  Does he need to pick something different until we find something that he doesn't want to stop doing?  Do I let him just chill at home?

I have no clue.  None.  So I bring it to cyberspace.  What do you do when your kid wants to quit an activity that you, as a parent, like them participating in?  Should I make him put another year in it, because I want him to, or do we take a break, or do we find something new?

A Successful Social Event

Last night, we had about thirty people come over for a cookout.  Due to rain, we didn't actually cook out anything, but we ate and drank and were merry.  The attendees were members of my husband's team at work.  There were lots of adults, and about ten kids all together.  G did a great job nearly all of the time.  As I was relaxing after, I starting thinking about why he was so successful.

- None of the kids were exactly his age.  No pressure to act a certain way or be friends with a certain kid.

- The two kids older than G were girls.  Strong-willed, well-spoken girls with a younger brother to boss around.  Two girls who had no problem telling G what to do in his own house.  While G hates when family tells him what to do or simply ignores the annoying voices, older girls are not an issue.  He's pretty obedient for the ladies.  I'm sure that will come in handy later in life.

- Josh.  Man, I love this guy.  I don't even know his last name.  He's an intern, and he took a whole lot of time to play with both of my boys.  He kept disappearing, and I didn't know where the kids were, and I'd find Josh lifting up J again and again to dunk his hamster toy through a basketball hoop.  At one point, G was melting down over what he wanted to eat.  I think he was just over-stimulated.  Did Josh tell G to buck up?  Did he give G a funny look?  Nope.  He just used a nice calm voice to help him out.  I informed Josh that we pay $10/hour for people to play Legos with the boys.  He said he'd take it.  I need his number.

Three pretty awesome aspects to the evening meant I got to eat and talk and play with the other kids a bit.  It wasn't perfect- J got tackled several times by G, which led to an insane amount of screaming.  We ignored most of it, and J came to us when he needed intervention.  G had trouble telling me what he wanted to eat for dinner and how much he wanted.  But in the past five years or so, this was the most successful social event I've been able to host.  So next time you have a get-together with a kid with ADHD, check your guest list.  It can help a lot.

Parenting Criticism

I am not a perfect person, and I'm not a perfect parent.  I love my kids a lot, and I have the best of intentions.  Things don't always work out the way I want them to.  Sometimes these less-than-favorable situations occur in front of strangers.  And sometimes those strangers think they have the answers.

We were at the local Subway one recent evening.  G and J were both really wound up (medicine was out of G's system).  There was one couple eating, and two or three people in line.  I didn't worry too much, as long as they were semi-quiet.  They were swinging on the bar in the wait line and racing each other back and forth across the widest space.  This guy behind me starts to chuckle a bit under his breath at their antics.  Sensing a sense of humor, I smiled at him and said, "Keep laughing, and they both go home with you!"  He laughed back.  We got our food and ate.  He gave a little wave on his way out.  A kindred spirit.  I bet he was remembering being a lot like G and J.  No big deal.

We went into the bathroom to wash up.  They have one of those Excellerator dryers that make a lot of scary noise when you don't like loud noises.  J decided he wanted to keep starting it and putting his head under it.  He's screaming, because that's the noise he makes ALL THE TIME now.  Happy?  Scream.  Sad?  Scream.  Angry?  Scream.  Then G gets more wound up because the dryer is loud and his brother is loud.  I have two kids screaming very loudly.  Their excitement is feeding off of each other.  I don't stress out much- there weren't many people in the restaurant, and we are kinda in the back away from the people.  It also wasn't the type of screaming to imply chainsaw massacre.  I laugh it off, I get them wrangled, and out we go.

No one there?  WRONG.  Suddenly, everyone wanted to go to Subway, and they all heard my kids.  I kind of duck my head and smile with a "boys will be boys" expression.  Most of the people in line give a sympathetic smile back.  The guy at the register, in his sixties or seventies, though, has an opinion.  "Some kids... But if they were my kids..."

Whoa.  Really, dude?  I'll let you at 'em for awhile.  I'll even hang on to the Focalin if you want to try to straighten them out all on your own.  Don't start judging strangers on their parenting (unless you see someone beating their child or being verbally abusive- not okay) without having more information.  I'm okay with input.  My husband, my mom, my sister, my in-laws, my friends (the ones with less-than-perfect children), my co-workers...  Feel free.  I'm open to suggestions.  But strangers at Subway?  Knock it off.

Don't think ADHD is a disorder? Read this!

My theory of ADHD can be found and summed up here.  I honestly don't think "disorder" would be a necessary label, except for modern educational standards.  My "disorder" can be seen, in some circumstances, as a set of strengths.  But put me in a classroom as a student for eight hours, or send me to a meeting that lasts all day, and I'm going to either cause trouble or zone out.

What do you guys think of this guy's theory?  Anyone feel that he's way off base?

Thom Hartmann's Hunter and Farmer Approach to ADD/ADHD

Submitted by Thom Hartmann A... on 1. November 2007 - 15:21

• ADHD Education

Thom Hartmann's approach showing the differences between "Hunters" and "Farmers".
Taken from Thom Hartmann's book, "ADD: A Different Perception."

Trait as it appears in the "Disorder" view:	How it appears in the "Hunter" view:	Opposite "Farmer" traits:
Attention spans short, but can become intensely focused for the long periods of time.	Constantly monitoring their environment.	Not easily distracted from the task at hand.
Poor planner: disorganized and impulsive (makes snap decisions).	Able to throw themselves into the chase on a moment's notice.	Able to sustain a steady, dependable effort.
Distorted sense of time: unaware of how long it will take to do something.	Flexible; ready to change strategy quickly.	Organized, purposeful. They have a long term strategy and they stick to it.
Impatient.	Tireless: capable of sustained drives, but only when "Hot on the trail" of some goal.	Conscious of time and timing. They get things done in time, pace themselves, have good "staying power."
Doesn't convert words into concepts adeptly, and vice versa. May or may not have a reading disability.	Visual/Concrete thinker, clearly seeing a tangible goal even if there are no words for it.	Patient. Aware that good thing takes time - willing to wait.
Has difficulty following directions.	Independent.	Team player.
Daydreamer.	Bored by mundane tasks; enjoy new ideas, excitement, "the hunt" being hot on the trial.	Focused. Good at follow-through, tending to details, "taking care of business."
Acts without considering consequences.	Willing and able to take risk and face danger.	Careful. "looking before you leap."
Lacking in the social graces.	"No time for niceties when there are decisions to be made!"	Nurturing; creates and supports community values; attuned to whether something will last.

- See more at: http://www.thomhartmann.com/articles/2007/11/thom-hartmanns-hunter-and-farmer-approach-addadhd#sthash.L1m4PvrX.dpuf

Thom Hartmann's Hunter and Farmer Approach to ADD/ADHD

Submitted by Thom Hartmann A... on 1. November 2007 - 15:21

• ADHD Education

Thom Hartmann's approach showing the differences between "Hunters" and "Farmers".
Taken from Thom Hartmann's book, "ADD: A Different Perception."

Trait as it appears in the "Disorder" view:	How it appears in the "Hunter" view:	Opposite "Farmer" traits:
Attention spans short, but can become intensely focused for the long periods of time.	Constantly monitoring their environment.	Not easily distracted from the task at hand.
Poor planner: disorganized and impulsive (makes snap decisions).	Able to throw themselves into the chase on a moment's notice.	Able to sustain a steady, dependable effort.
Distorted sense of time: unaware of how long it will take to do something.	Flexible; ready to change strategy quickly.	Organized, purposeful. They have a long term strategy and they stick to it.
Impatient.	Tireless: capable of sustained drives, but only when "Hot on the trail" of some goal.	Conscious of time and timing. They get things done in time, pace themselves, have good "staying power."
Doesn't convert words into concepts adeptly, and vice versa. May or may not have a reading disability.	Visual/Concrete thinker, clearly seeing a tangible goal even if there are no words for it.	Patient. Aware that good thing takes time - willing to wait.
Has difficulty following directions.	Independent.	Team player.
Daydreamer.	Bored by mundane tasks; enjoy new ideas, excitement, "the hunt" being hot on the trial.	Focused. Good at follow-through, tending to details, "taking care of business."
Acts without considering consequences.	Willing and able to take risk and face danger.	Careful. "looking before you leap."
Lacking in the social graces.	"No time for niceties when there are decisions to be made!"	Nurturing; creates and supports community values; attuned to whether something will last.

- See more at: http://www.thomhartmann.com/articles/2007/11/thom-hartmanns-hunter-and-farmer-approach-addadhd#sthash.L1m4PvrX.dpuf

Back-To-Work Organization

As a school teacher, I have a definite beginning and ending to each work year.  Most of last year was horrible.  My depression flared up in the fall.  My ADHD was causing plenty of difficulties with completing work on time and remembering what had to be done by when.  So I'm trying to get my act together this year, and I think its going to help.

My school division gave all the teachers laptops.  (Okay- lent us all laptops.)  So I've decided that Google Calendar is going to keep me in line.  I am hooked up with my mother and husband's calendars, which is very helpful.  I have my task list going, and I'm adding things to them by due date.  Some of the tasks are due next week and some are due in February.  I also have access to the calendar on my phone so I can check in on things.  I have a good plan in place- now I have to execute it!

When a task comes up, I need to make sure I add it to the list instead of writing myself a post-it note to get buried somewhere.  I need to check my calendar and lists daily.  I need to do what's on the list!  That's the hard part.  I schedule, write, and manage IEPs.  There's a load of paperwork with all that, and I have to be on the ball.  Procrastination just won't cut it.

I'll check back in on my organization periodically.  Sometimes it helps me just to have someone to report back to.  Anyone out in cyberspace have ideas?  How do other adults with ADHD handle the organizing and responsibilities that come with work?

Thank you, Ms. P!

I'm a special education school teacher, and I'm getting ready to head back in to work after a looooonnnnngggg summer off.  And I mean long in the best and worst ways.  I took the boys in today to play in my room while I tried to unpack all my stuff and get the furniture back where it needs to be.  J was in a horrible mood, so he did a lot of screaming for no reason and he peed on the floor of my classroom.  I was worn out, and the kids were on my last nerve.  Then I heard a familiar voice among the others in the hall- Ms. P, G's kindergarten teacher.

I handpicked Ms. P to be G's teacher last year.  One of the primary reasons was that, after ten years in the same building, she still intimidated me a bit.  She's strict but fair, firm but loving.  I have another teacher friend whose daughter had Ms. P.  She is a free-spirited kind of kid, a lot like me when I was little.  She had Ms. P, and her spirit wasn't squashed.  I knew G needed her.

It was a rough year at times.  Scab and nose picking.  Head butting other students.  Peeing on the playground.  She teased him in cute ways that made him laugh but never made him feel small.  And he learned.  Oh boy, did he learn!  My baby became a reader last year.  That means so much to me!

How would she view my wild man from the other side of the year?  I know its hard to summon the energy to get excited about things when your vacation is ending.  But he went out into the hall, and she greeted him with so much enthusiasm.  She asked him lots of questions about his vacation and upcoming first-grade year.  She hugged him and smiled and seemed genuinely happy to see him.

I know this may be hard to believe, for I really do love my boy, but I was surprised at how much care she put into her five minutes with him.  I love my kid, but I have to!  I'm his mom.  It touches me when someone shows that they love and appreciate him, flaws and all.

So, thanks, Ms. P.  Thank you for really loving my kid.  You are part of his village, and he'll carry you with him for the rest of his life.