Its Just Talk

So my boys have a big issue when it comes to getting along.  They usually get along well, and nothing about their relationship is out of the ordinary for their gender and age difference.  Sometimes they don't like to share.  Sometimes they want to be alone when the other wants company.  Sometimes they both just get really bored.

But G frequently cannot deal with the things J says.  I mean, J is three and full of himself.  J will be talking about a box of crackers we just bought for the family and he'll say that the box is his.  G loses it completely- hitting, kicking, and screaming.  We all know that the box of crackers is for the whole family.  J is just talking to hear himself, and he also knows he can get a rise out of G.  Ownership is a big part of this- J will say one of a toy is his.  Or food.  Or a plant out in the yard.  Of a gift under the Christmas tree.  Or a car driving down the road.  I know who the stuff belongs to.  Daddy knows who the stuff belongs to.  G and J both know who it belongs to.  G cannot just let it go.

I've tried telling G to ignore it, using reason and a soothing tone of voice.  I've tried separating them when J seems to be having too much fun picking at G.  I've tried ignoring them both and seeing who wins the fight (until the hitting/kicking/choking starts), especially since its a pretty dumb fight to have.  So far, nothing has worked.  G can't let it go, and J has too much fun getting his big brother worked up.

Maybe, ten years from now, they'll be fighting over different things, and I'll look back longingly at this stage.  Or maybe they'll be having the exact same fight because G still gets worked up and J still thinks its funny.  By then I might just have gone completely crazy.

Dilemma

What do you do when your child with ADHD has a bad day, and someone else's child gets hurt?  I really wish I didn't have to ask this question, but I don't know what to do.

G had a rough day and was putting his hands on lots of kids in the class.  He had his evening medicine last night and his morning medicine today.  At some point, before the meds should have worn off, he had his hands on another boy in his class.  The boy ended up on the ground, and his arm was scraped up pretty well.

I got a note from the teacher.  G and I discussed his behavior.  He lost all screen time for the afternoon and evening, and I ended up putting him to bed earlier than usual (mainly because we're all exhausted in the house today).  I didn't go nuts with the admonishing, but I made sure he knew that he had consequences for his behavior.

I still feel guilty.  I hate knowing that someone got hurt because of my kid.  If G had gotten scraped up, if the roles were reversed, I wouldn't make a big deal of it.  But what if this other kid's mom makes a big deal of it?  What if she shows up at school all mad that her child got hurt?  I want G to be able to help it.  I can't do anything more than I'm already doing.  Spanking him and taking away his Legos isn't going to make it any easier for him to keep his hands to himself.  Or am I enabling my child's behavior?

How do other parents out there deal with this?

Morning Routine

It is hard enough for me to set my own alarm, get showered and dressed, pack myself a lunch, and get all my stuff out the door for work.  I thank my mom and dad for working very hard to make me independent at these things as a kid so that I'm successful as an adult.  With kids, I have to pack lunches, sign folders, and send money for field trips. I just need G to start working on his part of the morning routine.  He's driving me nuts.

Every morning we have so much drama.  Drama about getting out of bed.  Drama about taking of the pajamas and putting on the clothes.  Drama about going downstairs for breakfast, and no detours to Daddy to play with his iPad!

So I have a checklist.  Its got little steps.  We are going to try tomorrow to see if he can do each thing and only be asked once for each step.  If he fusses or doesn't comply, he'll lose screen time.  Tomorrow morning with be a great experiment to see if he can handle the situation.  I was about to pull my hair out this morning.  That or leave for work and make him stay with Daddy.  Daddy does a really good "bad cop" routine.

I'll keep you posted on how it goes!

ADHD and My Weight

I have struggled with being overweight for most of my adult life.  I attribute this to a couple of different things, but while I can pinpoint some of the issues, I've yet to actually solve the problem.

I am a mild binge eater, on a regular basis.  I won't buy and eat several boxes of cookies, but if there's a box in the house, and its open, I'll eat a lot of them.  Or finish the whole box with the idea that if I finish it, it won't be calling my name anymore.  I go on frequent little binges.  I have done this fairly steadily from childhood on.  I don't know if has to do with impulse control or some signal in my brain that my ancestors had to always be prepared for a famine.  I just know how embarrassing it was when my mom found I'd been hoarding food in my closet.

I also have no sticking power for diets.  I can go a couple of weeks pretty steadily, and then I'll fall off the wagon.  I can get back on, only to fall off again fairly quickly.  I'll go to a store not expecting to buy any junk food (sugary stuff is my weakness), but come out with a box of something unhealthy.  In my mind, I know I shouldn't buy or eat the junk.  I'll tell myself no, but I can't stick with it.  Forget the diet, I'll say to myself.  I know I'll regret it later.  I know that one flop on the diet usually leads me to another.  I have yet to figure out a way to keep myself from sabotaging myself.

This weekend I sabotaged myself.  I'm four pounds away from a goal weight I've had for months.  FOUR POUNDS.  And I ordered pizza Sunday night.  Starting tomorrow morning, I'm getting back on the wagon.  See ya later, four pounds!

Single Parent

So I know I don't get to act like some kind of saint, but last week was rough.  My husband was away on a trip, for fun, while I was home with both boys.  And my mom's out of town, so there wasn't any family around to help out.

We survived!  Yay!

I was expecting some kind of disaster related to my ADHD.  Forgetting someone's lunch.  Forgetting to pick up a kid.  Losing my wallet/keys/checkbook.  Not making it to an important meeting at work, of which there were several.  Someone getting sick, me needing to be away from school, and having no sub plans ready.

It all went very well!  I was exhausted by Friday, but everyone survived and I was as successful at work as I usually am.  A few little hiccups, but nothing terrible.  I did have a babysitter come Friday and put J to bed and get G ready for bed.  I went grocery shopping and bought ice cream I shouldn't have bought, but I ate some and threw the rest away.

So Hubs is home, and life can go back to low level craziness.  And I'll get back to posting regularly.

9/11

I had a very interesting minute or two today.  On 9/11/2001, I was student teaching in a classroom of first graders in the mountains of North Carolina.  I was swallowed by my sorrow, compounded by their confusion about what was going on in the world around them.  I had to endure praying over the intercom at school, with mentions of God and Jesus- in a public school.  I had to try to gently correct and redirect students who spouted the rhetoric of hate from their close-minded families.  I sheltered G from the Sandy Hook school shootings, but there was no way to shelter kids from 9/11.  Until today, it wasn't a situation we talked of much at our house.

Today G's teacher emailed us parents that she had taught a lesson about Patriot Day and 9/11.  So I decided to talk to G about it.  He first told me he couldn't remember (the start of EVERY SINGLE CONVERSATION with him about school), but then said, "There were the twin towers and some bad people flew planes into them."  He then went on to talk about bit about how the bad people died, to which I spoke of all the good people that died, too.  Then I told him about how I was with a group of first graders when it happened.  How it was a long time ago- those kids are nearly grown now- but I still get sad.

I've been so busy all day that except for the moment of silence at school, dedicated to those that lost their lives, I haven't had a chance to think about that day.  Everyone has a moment that they think of in their lives- where were you when you heard...  Pearl Harbor had been attacked...  JFK was shot...  MLK jr was shot... the Challenger had exploded...  a tsunami had killed hundreds of thousands...  planes had hit the Word Trade Center.

What if my sons didn't have to have that moment?  What if there was no catastrophic event to track what generation they belong to?

More of the Medicine Saga

G is not a fan of his medicine.  He takes a type that comes out of a capsule.  It looks like a bunch of little white sprinkles, but I bet it tastes bad.

At four, we simply hid the medicine in the pudding or applesauce and didn't tell him.  He couldn't see it, so for months and months he didn't know it was in there.

At five, we just got stern.  Yep, there's medicine in there.  Nope, you don't get the choice about taking it.  You refuse to open your mouth?  Well, no screen time for you.  Problem solved.

At six, he's been doing well.  He's not thrilled, but there hasn't been much of a fight in ages.  The biggest problem recently has been getting the spoon into a mouth that is on jumping, hopping, skipping, running, or spinning legs.  I do not like trying to hit a moving target.

Then we had an incident this morning.  Little darling didn't swallow the applesauce right away and drank some water.  He held the slop in his mouth and wouldn't swallow.  Eventually, some of the applesauce and some of the water and some of the medicine came back out onto the floor and his shirt and hands.  I was not very sweet about it.

First of all, we have to do insane things every three months to get that prescription.  Then, it costs about $2 for each pill.  Shirt?  Floor?  Hands?  No, sir.  This mom was not happy.  He's been read the riot act and swears he's going to do it the right way.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

What He Knows

G knows that he's different.  The people around me know that G is different.  I've found that I'm not closed-mouthed about things, and its worked well for us.  I know that lots of people won't agree with how we are dealing with G's difficulties, and I'm okay with that.  What works for me won't necessarily work for everyone else.

I tell people that G has ADHD and that he takes medication.  I tell them when its necessary to explain why a situation is deteriorating.  I tell them when they talk about their child's special needs.  The parents of kids in his class know, because of conversations like this:

"Hi!  I'm G's mom.  Thanks for inviting him to your kid's birthday party.  I was wondering if I could stick around and help.  He has ADHD and some sensory and social issues.  I'll make sure he's doing okay, and I can help you out if you need anything."

This conversation tends to go over really well.  People are usually surprised to hear he has ADHD because we limit his unmedicated exposure to the world.

G knows he takes medication to help his "self-control."  We don't let ADHD be an excuse for bad behavior.  He knows that he has trouble making good choices sometimes, that the medicine helps him make good choices, but that he's always growing and changing, and we want him to keep working on making good choices, with or without medicine.  (Heck of a run-on sentence.  Sorry.)

I know not everyone wants to have their child's issues hanging out there for all to know.  I also know that some people have no choice about people seeing/hearing/knowing about their child's issues.  Every family has to do what works best for them.  Hopefully, being open about G's issues will help people understand him better and deal with him more patiently.  Hopefully he'll continue to grow and change and build independence.

I know its normal...

But I can't handle my kid saying, "Stop telling me what to do!"  I mean, I teach kids his age and maturity level.  I've been given the stink-eye and yelled at plenty of times.  I'm used to being the bad guy who enforces the rules with tough love.

This is different, though.  As a teacher, I can send that grumpy child home to someone else.  I can't send G home until he comes back to me with a better attitude.  For right now, we are justing using his room as a grumpy spot.  If he starts being too angry, we send him up to cool down.  He settles down pretty quickly, as his ADHD make him highly distractible.

"NO!  I won't do that.  Stop telling me what to do!  I'm angry!  Look- Legos!  I'm going to build the Sarlacc!"  Two minute tantrum.  Done.

I do need to find a way to get that phrase out of his repertoire.  I'm his mom.  My husband is his dad.  As his parents, it is our right... make that our pleasure... to get to tell him what to do.  And he's going to just have to deal with it.

More About Medication

I love our ADHD medications.  10 mg Focalin XR each morning.  One Intuniv each evening.  I especially like that Intuniv doesn't require me to jump through hoops for a refill.  Easy peasy, lemon squeezy.

Remembering to give the medications is a daily struggle in our family.  I give G the morning dose of Focalin, and we haven't forgotten in ages.  (I do carry an emergency stash, just in case.)  I do live in fear that I'll forget, he'll have a terrible day, and it'll be all my fault.

The evening dose is harder to remember, since my husband and I take turns with putting G to bed.  If I'm working late, he puts G to bed, and invariably forgets to give G the medicine.  If he's putting G to bed and I'm home, I have to remember the meds.  That usually entails me running up with a spoonful of applesauce right after the lights have been turned out.  Same goes for when I put G to bed myself.

Fortunately, its not too bad when G doesn't have his meds.  He's less focused, but not totally unable to function.  He tends to be a bit more cheerful without the Intuniv, but then we wouldn't ever get homework done.  Or survive dinnertime.

Its all part of the grand balancing act that we go through.  There are times when I am so sad that it takes two medications to keep G functioning well.  Then I remember that we are doing what he needs to function.  We wouldn't question medicating him for epilepsy or diabetes.  That helps me keep things in perspective.

So Far, So Good

I'm very pleased with how the school year is going so far for G.  Again, it really helps that he's at my school.  I keep a very close eye on things before and after school, so there's no messing around in the hallways.  I started out the year trying to avoid seeing G or being seen by G.  This week has seen my regular schedule start up, and I don't have time to breathe, much less wander around the school.

I've already seen improvement in reading and writing.  He's gained more sightwords, and he's not balking at the writing assignments like he has in the past.  Mind, he's really off-task during homework if we do it in the evenings.  It takes about twice as long as it should.  But he's pretty pleasant, so its not like pulling out wisdom teeth.

The teacher's positive behavior system is continuing to work.  She has a good handle on the classroom and the kids in it.

He's been sleeping well, and I'm not sure what that's due to.  I suspect its a mixture of being worked hard at school and then taking a medication that causes drowsiness.  I'm not unhappy about it- I hated my sleep issues as a kid, so I don't want G to have them.

I hope everyone else is having a great start to their school year!

If it works for me...

It may work for G.  Today we had homework.  Its nothing huge- ten spelling words, written three times each.  Boy, oh boy.  Fun stuff when you hate to write!  I sat G down to do his work after school, and he fussed and fussed.  I asked him to tell me what I could do to help.  He wanted me two write each word two times so he only had to write them once.  Sorry, kid.  No can do.

Then it hit me.  Sometimes, I need breaks in between my work.  So I had him write each word once, then take a break, write each word once, take a break, write each word the last time.

Ta da!  Homework completed about eight minutes later.  Word to the parents out there struggling with homework- chunk it.  (I typed chuck it first.  While I like the idea of chucking homework, my colleagues would string me up.)  Use timers.  Set goals.  Break it up so that kids have a chance to wiggle and chill out.

And I'll keep working on doing this myself when all the work piles up!

Work Completion

I have a whole lot of work to do today.  Its nice to have a three-day weekend, so I spent two days doing family stuff.  Today is work day.  Lesson plans, paperwork, laundry, homework assignments for my students, worksheets for use in class...

I've already given up.  I have lesson plans for Tuesday and Wednesday.  I have some math papers ready to use.  The laundry is nearly done.  I did three of the six special education documents I need to get done.  I updated my to-do list on my Google calendar.  And, I'm just done.

What I can't figure out is if I have other things I'd rather do, or if I just don't want to do the stuff I have to do.  I'd like to go get some stuff we need at Sam's Club.  We are also going to join the Y, so that could be fun to do today.  But even if I didn't find something else that I wanted to do more, I don't think I'd want to keep working on school work.

I worked some last night.  I worked some this morning.  I'll probably work some more this evening.  So breaking it up is a good way to put a dent in the list of things to do.  I'd feel really awesome if it was all finished at one sitting, but that's just unrealistic.

Sensitive

All my life, I've been accused of being too sensitive.  Maybe I really am.  I think that sticks, stones, and words can hurt.  I was impossible to tease growing up, not that my family didn't keep at it.  I was guaranteed to have a big reaction.  My feelings get hurt very easily, though.

When I was in fourth grade, we had a substitute teacher, Mrs. Schuester.  She was the mother of a boy a year older than me, so she was at school a lot.  I don't remember the exact wording, and I don't remember the context, but I remember being called "Motor Mouth" in front of the entire class.  I have always been a talker.  I talk during lectures, experiments, plays, movies, church services, funerals, weddings, anything.  So I understand that I'd probably been driving her nuts with my constant talking.

I'll tell you this, though.  I saw Mrs. Schuester years later at a grocery store.  I was angry.  After seven or eight years, I was still feeling mad at her for embarrassing me in front of my peers.  I'm thirty-three now, and I still remember that she was wearing a red sweater and a gold necklace that day.  I still feel ashamed.  Luckily, the nickname didn't stick, although it wasn't the only time I heard it applied to me.

As a teacher and mother, I feel that there are certain lines you don't cross.  Address the behavior, not the child.  Recently G was having a bit of a meltdown in the car in the presence of someone that isn't in our immediate family.  It was a transition from the pool back to home, and transitions are really rough.  This person said, "G, you're pathetic!"

Even when I made a comment about how I didn't like that being said, both the person who said the comment and my husband both feel I'm being too sensitive.  Tell G his tantrum is pathetic (still not my favorite way to go, but at least its addressing the behavior instead of the child...) or find some other words!  Or don't give any attention to the behavior that you don't like!

Sticks, stones, and words can hurt.  Watch what you say to a child.  You never know if what you say is going to haunt them for years.  After Columbine High School and Sandy Hook Elementary School, we know what low self-esteem coupled with mental illness can lead to in the most extreme forms.