Thanksgiving Dinner

We went down to the in-laws' house for Thanksgiving this year.  Only a two hour drive, and we get to see the grandparents, an uncle, and some other friends/family.  The shopping down there is good too, so we don't complain.  In the past, my mother-in-law has put out a huge spread.  She cooks for days, decorates like a magazine is covering the dinner, and wears herself out.  This year, we decided to all go out to eat.

While I was happy that we could save ourselves, mostly my mother-in-law, the prep work and cleaning up, I was very nervous.

First, we had to time it carefully.  Early enough so that the three year-old wouldn't be too tired from no nap.  Late enough for G's meds to kick in, early enough so they wouldn't be worn off.  We ended up with 2 pm.

Where to go?  Nowhere quiet, that's for sure!  We ended up at a high-end barbecue restaurant.  Laid back, but yummy food.

G and J don't like to sit for very long.  They aren't good at waiting for food to come and for people to finish eating.  They don't sit and look around.  They don't just hang out and color or read.  How to solve this problem?  Again, we looked to Steve Jobs.  An iPhone/iPad each, and we had two hours of delightful food and conversation.

All in all, it was a great meal.  Very low stress.  I was anxious about one thing.  How do we look to all the other parents when we simply hand our children electronic devices?  Screen time is a whole other blog post, or ten.

But I was very thankful for my family, friends, food, and phone.

The Thanksgiving Pageant

Today, thanks to a two hour delay and a student with autism that actually felt like watching an assembly, I got to see G performing in the first grade Thanksgiving pageant.  I have to say it was an amazing experience.  He spotted me quickly, and he was thrilled that I was there.

He sang his little heart out, and he knew most of the motions to the songs.  The music teacher was up front directing everyone, and he tried to keep his eyes on her.  In a few spots, the spirit moved him and he shouted out the words very loudly.  He smiled and sang and danced and sat and stood beautifully.  I clapped and smiled and clapped some more.





And I hung my head when he picked his nose and ate it.

Ah, motherhood.

Parties

One of my readers sent a request for information on having atypical children come to a birthday party.  I’m providing you with a set of potentially handy tips.  While G has ADHD, there are also some anxiety and sensory issues going on with him.  I’m writing this with ADHD, anxiety, and autism spectrum disorders in mind.  Day-to-day parenting is hard enough; parenting in front of other people at a special event can be terrifying.  Here are some ideas that might help to make things smoother:

- I’ve acknowledged that my child is different to you.  It’s okay for other people to acknowledge this as well.  If you know a kid is different, you can ask some questions, like when is a good time for a party (10:00-2:00, prime medication hours), what should we do at the party (whatever the birthday kid wants, just don’t try to make G join in any games), and what should we eat (NO RED DYE!).  This will be different for all children with disabilities.  The one thing to remember is that parents will nearly always be thankful that you cared enough to ask.

If a parent hasn’t acknowledged a difference but you happen to notice that little Timmy is a lot like Sheldon Cooper or Dennis the Menace, you can still have some strategies lined up.

- Set up some off-limits areas in the house.  When the child and parent shows up, gently tell them about the boundaries.  Show where is okay to go and where is not okay to go.  Have a plan if you have something awesome in the off-boundaries area.  (We went to a party where the kids had large AT-AT toys in the playroom and the parents wanted us out of the playroom during cake time.  We told him when he’d be allowed to go back to see the AT-AT toys.  Problem solved.)  If you can lock a door to the off limits area, go ahead.  I lock doors to rooms in my house all the time.

- Have something special for the child to play with that is quiet.  I know that other kids may want to join in.  You can discourage this by saying, “I know that’s really cool, but Timmy needs some quiet time.  You can have a turn after he has a turn.”  If a kid says it’s not fair, I’ve had good success with the following concept: Fair doesn’t mean everyone gets the same thing.  Fair means everyone gets what they need.  Even very small children have been able to understand that, in my experience.

- Enlist help.  Ask someone that you think may be good at it to take 15-20 minutes to hang out with the atypical kid.  This will allow a stressed-out parent to get a drink, have some cake, and be an adult.

- Tell what’s coming next and when it’s coming.  “We are going to have some cake in about five minutes.”  Then, “Two minutes to cake time!”  Transitions are probably the most difficult part for G, and for lots of other kids.  Knowing what is coming next can help a lot.  Also, if your family does something out of the ordinary, like scream the Happy Birthday song, give a warning!  Overstimulation with sound, lights, and scents can trigger a lot of problems.  Give time for the child to prepare or to remove themselves.

- Be open with the atypical kid.  If you’ve said they can’t go into a certain area, stick with it.  Calmly let the child know, “It is very important that we stay out of this area because the cats need quiet.”  Or, “I don’t like it when you scream like that.  Can I help you with something?”  How about, “Oh, you’re standing very close to me.  Can you take two steps back?”  You can also enlist the help of the children around.  If a kid comes and tattles on the atypical kid, saying, “He pushed me and I fell down,” have the kids talk.  I’ve found at school that if a kid tells another kid, “Stop it!  I don’t like that,” we get results much faster.  Tell the child that was pushed, “Please tell Timmy to stop.  Tell him that he hurt you.”  Kids, even the atypical ones, tune out parents after a while.  Kids need to learn social skills.  It takes a village to teach those social skills to some kids.

- If you’ve done these things and a meltdown occurs, offer your help.  Turn to the parent and ask, “Can I help with anything?”  Or “Is there something we can do to help improve the situation?”  If the family leaves, ask later, once things are all calm.  “How could I have helped you avoid something like that in the future?”  This shows you care, and it can help keep it from happening next time.

Keep your sense of humor and assure the parents of your support.  A hug and offer of help can make nearly any situation feel better.  Don’t judge the child or the parent on an extraordinary circumstance.

Most importantly, no matter what a child has done at the party, kneel down, attempt to look him in the eye (don’t force it), and tell him you are glad he came.  Those words are good for the kid, but even better for the parents.

Homework Lessons Learned

I have been teaching for ten years.  Over those years, I've given hundreds of homework assignments, and many of them haven't come back.  I had a very self-righteous feeling about those assignments that didn't get done.  How dare those parents not value their child's education!  What could they be doing in the evenings that's more important than practicing the skills that I decide are so necessary?  How could you leave your paper/book/workbook/etc. at school?  You need those things to do homework!  Don't give me excuses- give me the work!

Then my own kid got to first grade.  There is homework every night, Monday through Thursday.  I have realized a lot about why those homework assignments didn't get returned.  I imagine that I feel very much as a friend felt when, as a successful ENT, he ended up at the emergency room getting a raisin removed from his ear.

Sometimes the kid with ADHD forgets the materials he needs.  Sometimes he puts those materials in someone else's backpack because the other kid's name starts with the same three letters.  Sometimes the parents, even with a master's degree in special education, can't figure out what the directions mean, or which words to study, or what sentences to write.

Sometimes LIFE happens.  Sometimes you have a meeting and swim lessons and dinner and family time.  Sometimes everyone but the kid with the homework feels sick.  Sometimes the parent in charge has ADHD and completely forgets about homework, even though its the same assignment every single Tuesday night.  Sometimes the idea of forcing your writing-adverse kid pick up a pencil makes the nucleus of every cell in your body scream with frustration.

I find it a lot harder now to call up a parent about missing homework.  I find that I gently remind them of the importance, and to please let me know if its too much.  Maybe just write me a quick note if it was too hard or too long or if the evening was just a wash for one reason or another.

And please, for Pete's sake, let me get teachers for my boys in the future who have learned the same lesson I have.

Crazy Cat Family

In the words of my sister, my life must not be crazy enough.  We got kittens last week.  Hugo and Hermione are about three months old, and we rescued them from the humane society.  They are rambunctious, adorable, exciting, and cute!  The boys LOVE them, and we love them.  They hang out together at home in a bathroom while we are at work, keeping each other company and snoozing away.  At night, they sleep with us in our room, and they enjoy messing with my hair.

We are working with G on how to treat these darling kitties.  So far, this is the list of don'ts that he has learned:

- Don't pick them up by the tail.

- Don't touch their bums.

- Don't pull on their legs.

- Don't hit them with the octopus toy on a string.

- Don't stick your hands in the litter box.

- Don't stick your head in the littler box.

- Don't stick anything in the litter box.

- Don't go near the @$&# littler box.

They don't appear terrified of him yet, although they do tend to scurry away from any of us if they think we are going to scoop them up and put them in the bathroom.  We will have to see how the next month or so goes, and I'm interested in seeing if the kitties have to defend themselves anytime soon.  

I am very much in favor of natural consequences for my kids, and I think a good hand-scratching could lead to gentler handling.

We joined a church!

I tend to think that I live not just in the bible belt, but smack dab on the bible buckle.  There are a whole lot of very evangelical Christians here, and they don't always look fondly on beliefs like mine.  I have made some dear friends, and the relationship has been murdered when they have tried to save me.  I was raised Methodist, and find that as far as Christians go, I'm able to have good relationships with other Methodists.  But church has not been my "thing" in quite awhile.

One day last year, my darling five-year old G, came home from school and informed me that we needed to go to church.

Dead silence in the car.  Deep breath.  More silence.

"Well, G, okay.  I think I know where we should go."

And thus began our relationship with the Unitarian church.  My beliefs and my husband's beliefs meld very well in the church, although I can't imagine there are many beliefs that wouldn't mesh.  I knew from early on that the boys would fit in well.  G felt comfortable right away, and I was delighted when he chose to speak at the Day of the Dead ceremony last year in honor of my father.  He has made friends with children and adults.  He fits in.  We fit in.

In the words of one of the first evangelicals I met in our city when we moved here eleven years ago, we've found our church home.

The Vanderbilt Scale

We have an appointment today with the developmental pediatrician.  She gave me a bunch of Vanderbilt rating scales at our appointment six months ago, which I promptly lost.  So I printed one out yesterday, right after the autocall announcing the appointment that I had forgotten about.  I gave it to G's teacher, my colleague, and asked her to put it in my box.  Usually, teachers give the scales to the secretary, who faxes it to the doctor.  But I'm sneaky.  I wanted to see it.

I was expecting a couple of "very oftens" for things like leaving his seat, is easily distracted by extraneous stimuli, or fails to give attention to details.  I also expected some note about fidgeting with hands, due to his inability to leave scabs alone.

I was stunned.  His teacher gave him all "nevers" and "occasionals."  I looked and looked and looked.  Would you believe that she even says he's above average on assignment completion?

I am very happy that he is doing so well in school.  Somewhere between a bit of maturity and two prescription medications, he is behaving well at school and is learning a lot.

I'm not sure why I was so stunned about the ratings she gave.  Is it because I have a distorted vision of what my child is like?  I honestly don't think of G as some kind of demonic kid out to terrorize the world, but he's certainly not angelic.  Is it because he is so different at home?  I don't believe my child is bad, I just don't believe my child has self-control.

We'll just have to see what the pediatrician has to say about the scales.  I filled one out, too, for our life here at home.  A lot of "oftens" and "very oftens" on that sucker.

Report Cards

So report cards came home Friday.  Being an awesome mom with ADHD, I forgot and didn't even look in G's backpack til this evening.  Our school system grades younger kids with E for exceeds, M for meets, P for partially meets, and U for unsatisfactory.  I was expecting Ps and Ms from G, since that's the bulk of what we got last year.  Behavior is SINY- S for satisfactory, I for improving, NY for not yet.  I was expecting a lot of Is, as well.

G had Es and Ms for all academic areas, and Ss for all behavior!  Who is a proud mama?  ME!

Halloween

Its taken a few years and two medications, but we had a good Halloween here.

In years past, we picked costumes, got all dressed up, and then G would only want to give out candy.  (We get over a thousand kids each year, in 1.5-2 hours).  At least two years that I can remember, G picked out his costume and then wouldn't wear it.  We would have to put on pajamas that resembled a costume.

The hours before trick-or-treating would be filled with wild running and screaming.  My husband and I would be trying to convince G to wear the costume we bought/made, while he was crying because it seemed like torture.  Then the kids would start coming, and we couldn't get G to focus.  He was overwhelmed by the kids, the costumes, the noise, and the candy.

After the event, there was no peace in the house.  Even without getting a lot of candy, he'd be so wound up he couldn't sleep.   Hubby and I would be exhausted from a long day at work and then hours of candy distribution, but not G.

This year was great.  He wore his Power Rangers costume with much glee.  We made it to about 20 houses.  We came back home, played with friends, and handed out candy.  We all went to bed.  Awesome.

There was some social awkwardness.  He wanted to make conversation with every single person who came by the house.  He said nice things- "I like your sword!", "I'm a Power Ranger, too!", "I like to play Minecraft!"  But it was always by standing in front of them while they wanted to just get going on their candy-picking way.  He touched a lot of decorations and tried to go into a few houses (hey, the doors were open), making several middle-aged women nervous.  He touched people and their costumes without worrying about socially-acceptable hand placement.  At the end of his rounds, he was ready to go in the house and our steps were full.  Since he isn't Moses and couldn't part the sea of kids, he just barreled his way up the steps.  I caught a nice lady trying to teach him some manners.  "I'm sorry," I said.  "He lives here, he's not trying get ahead of the others for the candy."

Then G and J and their two little friends ate Nerds and played Lego Batman.  It was pretty successful, overall.  363 days until I have to do it all over again.