Hope

I try not to be superstitious, but I think I'm going to set myself up for a terrible week by writing this post.  I do want to make sure parents out there know that sometimes the stars align, the gods are smiling on you, and things go really well.  For G, this last week has been one of those great times.

School has gone well, at least what he's had of it.  It was a good week prior, then we had MLK and a teacher work day.  Can't get in trouble at school if you're not there, and he was at his grandmother's busy being the center of attention.  Then we had a snow day.  Back to school Thursday and Friday with two hour delays.  So it wasn't a great judge of how he's doing at school.

At home, he's been awesome.  He's had fewer meltdowns/tantrums/whatever-you-want-to-call-it.  I've been encouraging him to do some chores for allowance.  I don't pay by the week, I pay by the chore.  (There's an app for that!)  So we don't have much moaning about setting the table or unloading the dishwasher.  We do not pay him for chores that are directly related solely to him.  He has to clean his own room, pick up his messes, and put away clean laundry, all without pay.  He's been doing a great job of getting these activities completed without fussing.  Its not without us fussing some, though, because the Lego table is mesmerizing and far more exciting than cleaning up.

When out and about, he's been doing really well.  One thing that I've wanted him to pick up was the quiet negotiation without a tantrum.  Example: We are at Target, and I tell him to hop up into the cart.

Outcome 1:
"No!  NOOOOO!   I don't want to!  No!  I want to walk!  I WANT TO WALK!  Aaaaahhhhh!"

Outcome 2:
"Can I just walk beside the cart?  I'll stay close."

We've had years of Outcome 1.  I've been working on Outcome 2.  I'm not a stern mom (or teacher)- I very seldom draw a hard line.  I'm well-known at school for being willing to compromise with my students, and it really works well with some students that want control over their lives.  So with G, I've been telling him, "If you talk to me about what you want, you're far more likely to get it.  When you act immature and yell and scream, I know I can't trust you to walk by the cart."

And its working!  With, and at times without, the medicine!  Hallelujah!

Maybe one day I can let him loose unmedicated in the grocery store with the child-sized cart.  But I'm not holding my breath on that one.  We've tried it a couple of times.  I've got scars on my heels from being run over, and the floors at the store will forever hold the doughnut marks from his racing.

Hang in there, fellow parents.  There is HOPE!

It Has Come to This

I have written often about the medication struggles that families like ours have.  This morning we had a fabulous reminder of how G's Focalin sure isn't like a baby aspirin.

To give G his medicine, we take a little yellow capsule and open it up.  Inside are several dozen white balls, quite similar in appearance to nonpareils that you find on SnoCaps candy.  We open this capsule and pour the "sprinkles" into a spoonful of applesauce.  Then we give the spoonful to to G.

The spoonful has to be done a certain way, per G's directions.  You have to make a little hole in the applesauce, pour in the "sprinkles," and then bury them so that he only sees applesauce.  Sometimes the applesauce is a nice consistency for the hole, but some days its like trying to bury treasure in quicksand.

Sometimes it goes wrong, even with the years of experience and best of intentions.  Like today.

When I opened the capsule, I must have pushed in a side of it, because as I removed the top, there was a "sprinkle" explosion.  Little balls of Focalin bursting into the air.  Oh shit.

It would be one thing if I could just throw away the partial capsule.  But that's not an option I like to consider.  First of all, that's like throwing away $2.  Secondly, we get one per day.  Our prescription isn't written for mulligans.  You don't get a do-over.  If I throw away that pill, that means there'll be a day when he goes without.  So I have to try to salvage it.  And giving what's in the pill isn't an option- its usually not enough.  His dose is precise, and any less means noticeable behavior changes.  You can't just pitch this expensive and hard-to-get medicine like its an ibuprofen that fell on the floor.

I happened to have opened the capsule over a tomato I was cutting up to go with my breakfast.  Some some "sprinkles" were in the capsule.  Some were on the cutting board.  Some were all over the tomato.  I was reduced to picking "sprinkles" off of a tomato.

So like a madwoman, I was using a knife to quickly pick off the "sprinkles".  G is at the table, and I fear that he will come over and see what I'm doing.  If he sees "sprinkles" with tomato particulate on them, he will refuse the entire thing.  I'm cursing under my breath as I examine pieces of tomato, using the knife and my fingers to transfer "sprinkles" to applesauce.  There must have been 20 or so, and I was determined to get them all.  Every last one.  I felt like a gold miner.

Well, I did it.  I was victorious.  Although I did find a bit of Focalin in my breakfast.

Sometimes its normal.

I worry so much.  I'm okay with my kid not being "normal."  I'm not normal, and I know few people who fit into neurotypical boxes.  But sometimes I worry too much about behavior.  It doesn't help that I'm at school with G and know about everything that happens.  Not participating in music?  The music teacher stops in to see me.  You get a referral to the office?  I see you when I'm walking by.  You need to pee out on the playground?  One of Mommy's coworkers will let her know before you even make it to the office.  I doubt I'd be any different if I was at a different school from G.  I try to get the scoop on all of J's behavior as well.

So we've had a great week and a half.  Today, though, G moved his name.  He was on "Think About It" instead of "Ready to Learn."  I was prepared, though.  I had peeked at the end of the day and I knew he had moved his name down.  I was just really hoping there was no hitting or kicking or punching or cussing or takedowns or biting.  But I was prepared.  Just in case.

"G, how was your day?"

"Mmmm, I was on Think About It."

"Oh?  What happened?"

"I was squeaking my shoes when we came inside."

Wow.  WOW.  Yay!  My kid got in trouble for something all the other kids might get in trouble for!  It is sad how happy I am that he was reprimanded for something so minor and trivial.  (And don't start about how that's not something to get in trouble for.  Unless you're an elementary school teacher, you probably don't get it.)

Sometimes, the stuff he gets in trouble for is normal.

Bounce House

Today I went with both boys to the local indoor bounce house to meet up with my friend and her two sons.  It was a much anticipated event, and we used it to bribe J into not punching anyone for a couple of days.  We headed over, and it wasn't too crowded.  My friend and I got the kids signed in, and then we... GASP... went to sit on the couch.

I don't usually go sit on the couch.  I usually follow my kids around and watch them play and make sure no one is getting hit or kicked or pushed or punched.  But today, I didn't.

I was tired.  I wanted to talk to my friend, who has been a bit down.  We have tried for a week or so to get together, but life kept getting in the way.  So today we needed to talk.  Plus, the last several visits to the bounce house have been so uneventful.  I threw caution to the wind.

The first hour or so was fine.  J had to use the bathroom several times, and when I returned from one of the trips, G was in my friend's lap crying.  As it turns out, he'd been bitten.

I know how other people react during situations like this, because I've been approached several times after G has hurt other children.  A lot of parents get enraged at the thought of their precious little so-and-so being bullied or injured.  Some shrug it off- "Boys will be boys."  My reaction?  "What did you do to him first?"

So...  G wanted the kid to move out of his way.  Seeing as the kid couldn't read G's mind, G decided to push him.  The kid didn't like it.  He bit G.  Bit him.  Left a tooth mark and everything.

We go and find the kid, a three year old who is quite reluctant to come out of the bouncy thing he's playing on.  There's no parent around for him, but as a teacher, I don't let that stop me.  I yank that kid out, throw a string of obscenities at him, and tell him to leave.

Just kidding.  I explain that he and G have something to take care of, and the boy finally comes out of the bouncy thing.  G apologizes.  The little boy apologizes.  I show the kid G's arm, and tell him that he's hurt G and left a mark- biting's a big deal.  At this point the mom comes up.  She asks, "What's going on?"

I said, "The boys had a bit of a tussle.  G did push your son first, and then your son bit him.  We were just exchanging apologies."  I kind of expected some amount of concern from this other mother.  I mean, her kid bit him.  G shouldn't have pushed, but he didn't leave a mark on the other kid.  Her response?

"He's three.  He's going to be a bit defensive."  And she takes her kid and walks off in a huff.

We all need to learn from stuff like this.  First of all, watch your kid at the bounce house (that's for me, not this other mom).  Second, our kids may occasionally be aggressive towards each other.  While we might not like it, its a learning experience for all of us.  If our kids are defensive, we don't need to be.  She left shortly afterward.

Maybe her kid bites all the time and she was really upset that they couldn't enjoy the bounce house.  If she'd talked to me a bit, she would've found a kindred spirit. I still judge playdate success by whether or not someone gets purposely injured by G.  She could've come sit with us and laughed and talked about wild children and made a friend.

Maybe her son is an only child and needs to learn to deal with other kids.  Again, she could've joined us and we could've helped her out.

So, but wide world out there, what would you have done?  Should I have waited until a parent was around to get the apologies going?  Should I have just had the boys stay away from each other?  Am I  crazy to even be rehashing this interaction hours after its passed?

Honey, They Don't Need To Know That...

G will talk to anyone.  I'm not saying that people make eye contact, smile, ask his name/age, and start up a conversation.  G will walk up to anyone and let loose on his verbal stream of consciousness.  Even if they have their backs to him.

Today, in line at the grocery store, G decided to tell some lady about our cats.  The cats are his current most-often-discussed topic.  We were in the self-serve checkout line.  G had just taken ten minutes to scan our 25 or so items meticulously.  I was paying for the items, when I hear G start up.

The lady was trying to buy several bags of groceries, plus two enormous bottles of wine.  She was holding these two bottles, when she heard a little voice.

"We have two cats."

"Excuse me?" she said.

"We have two cats.  They are Hugo and Hermione.  (Mind you, if you don't converse often with a six year old who gets excited and trips over words, its all hard to follow.  I'm typing this like it was coherent; it wasn't.)  Hugo weighs five pounds.  Hermione weighs four pounds.  They pee and poop in a box.  One box is in Mommy and Daddy's room by the bed.  One box is downstairs in the basement.. in the room where they stayed when we first got them.  I used to use that bathroom, but now the cats use it.  Now the cats get to be all over the house."

Bless her, the woman looked at my kid with verbal diarrhea and asked, "Now, tell me.  What do they look like?"  She just stood there with those two bottles of wine, waiting for someone to come and card her, and took the bait.

We go through this a lot, and I'm not sure about cause or cure.  On one hand, his single-minded determination to randomly talk to strangers about a topic that is really only relevant to him is kind of autism-like.  Or he just is a kid with ADHD with poor social skills.  Or he's just a normal six year old.  I don't know if I should cut him off or let him keep going.  Older people tend to think he's adorable and don't mind a conversation about cats or Mace Windu or some kid in his class named Tristan.  I get worried that he'll eagerly strike up a conversation with a perverted kidnapper about some nonexistent puppy and ride off in a sketchy van.  We do discuss stranger danger, but it can be such an abstract topic!

I don't have any good answers.  I know I'm not alone in the problems we face or the lack of solutions.  I'll just keep telling myself its a phase.  Maybe a short one that we will outgrow soon.