Depression

In light of the recent death of Robin Williams, my Facebook page is awash with messages about suicide and depression.  It makes me somewhat introspective.

I started antidepressants at 14, and I was told at the time that it was to treat my ADHD.  Really it helped me get some sleep at night, so the anxiety about insomnia went away.  I kept up my Prozac through high school and college quite nicely.

I have tried going off my medicine at various times, and the current medicines have stopped working several times.  Good times would come along, and I'd think I'd be fine.  Several months would pass, and I'd be back in the doctor's office because if I didn't get my chemicals under control, I wouldn't be able to function or survive.  Finally, my doctor sat me down and explained that this is chronic depression and I will have to be medicated for the rest of my life.

In elementary, junior high, high school, and college, I was self-injurious.  During times of extreme emotional stress, I would use my fingernails or some other object to scratch or bruise myself.  When things aren't going well, my mantra turns to, "I wish I was dead."  It could be a late assignment, an overdue bill, or a sick pet.  None of these things being truly traumatic, wishing to be dead is not a normal reaction.

Prenatal depression caused problems.  I started out my first pregnancy without medications, but went back on in the third trimester.  As my father was terminally ill, this doesn't seem too surprising.  With the second, I didn't go off my medication at all.  My ability to function as a parent to my toddler and was so very important, and the risks of my medication during pregnancy were minimal.  Postpartum depression was awful.  I remember the anxiety and gut wrenching stress.  I don't remember first smiles and giggles.  After the birth of each of my boys, I was in the doctor's office within weeks, needing my medication upped.

Besides the postpartum depression, I have had several major depressive episodes.  I can't explain how everyone experiences it.  I just know that it was a horrible place for me- living in a poisonous fog of my mind's own creation.  I'm a pretty smart person, but there is no reasoning to it.  There are usually no traumatic events, save the illness and death of my father.  Some events are supposed to be awe-inspiring!  I can't think myself out of the fog.  "This too shall pass" doesn't push out the wish to die and be done with it all.

One thing has saved me: my own ability to ask for help.  I'm a bit of a hypochondriac with no qualms about the doctor's office.  I also have no problems with taking necessary medications, which is how I see antidepressants.  So off I go when I realize how bad its getting or how long its been since the sun has come out.  My doctor trusts me, I think, and will let me go 4-6 months between appointments.  He knows I call when I need to make an appointment because things are bad.

There is one deep dark secret I keep from him and the people around me, until now, when it seems so relevant.  Even my psychiatrist doesn't know how often I've thought about suicide and, at times, how reasonable an option it has seemed.

Please know, things went bad a few months ago, so I went in and upped my medication.  While I don't discuss the suicidal thoughts, I feel like I successfully manage them as a symptom of my mental health issues.  So don't worry about me.  However, if you're worried for yourself, please talk to your doctor.

Camping, Take Two

Success!  I have to say that I was just as excited the second time around as I was the first.  Maybe more, since this time I wasn't feeling sick.

Hubby had a race, so the boys and I got the car all packed up.  Now, thanks to my ADHD, we did forget a few things; hubby had to go back for some pillows and we only had one flashlight.  Overall, however, I had most of our stuff packed up.

Once again, we had the campground area to ourselves.  We got everything all set up, during which time both boys proclaimed themselves "bored."  Hah!  Bored!  In the woods!  G has decided he doesn't like bugs, which made for a lot of shrieking each time something flew by.  I did pack some pirate figurines and monster trucks, so those provided a bit of entertainment for a brief period of time.

Then we went fishing.  I figured out how to cast, so I was having fun.  Hubby was showing J how to use his new little fishing pole.  Then there was G.  He just threw everything he could find into the lake.  Rocks.  Sticks.  Grass.  Bait.  Leaves.  Everything.  I'm guessing that's more of a boy thing than an ADHD thing, but it didn't help with catching the fish.

The fire is G's thing.  Once I got it started, he spent hours finding sticks, breaking them, and putting them in the fire.  Hours.  It was delightful for me.  He's actually quite good at tending the fire without getting injured.  I was quite surprised at his respect and love for the fire and his ability to behave appropriately.

We had some good food (a little burnt- I have to brush up) and enjoyed the nice weather.  Sleeping was hard at first as the boys talked and giggled to themselves for the longest time.  Once they fell asleep, though, they did very well.  I got too cold and couldn't sleep well, but I enjoyed watching the sun come up by the campfire while listening to owls calling to each other.

We spent several hours at the campsite in the morning playing with the fire, reading, exploring, and then went for a bit more fishing.

I felt like I'd accomplished something.  First, I camped with two young kids and got them started on the path towards outdoors enjoyment.  Second, I banished screen time for over 18 hours and made them breathe fresh air.  Parenting win!

I have to take those wins when I can get them.  They can be few and far between.

Groceries for the Zombie Apocalypse

I have this problem.  I shop at Sam's Club like its the zombie apocalypse.  And not because I'm prepping for the zombies.  Its like they are after me while I'm in the store.  I lose all sense of what I need and what I already have.  Sometimes I make a list, but it doesn't help.  I usually forget to use the list or I forget to put important things on the list or I lose my list before I even get out of my car.

I went with my mom and G today, and I appear to have been a bit distracted by the living dead.  So I come home to find things like this:

I already have a dozen Uncrustables.  I don't really need two dozen more, especially not in the middle of spring break.

I have two boxes of breakfast protein bars for the boys, in four different flavors by two different brands.  Why did I think they were necessary?

Um, wait...  I had a box of six dozen packages of fruit snacks?  I thought we were almost out.

Never mind that I don't really have room for all this stuff.  I just have no concept of what we already have around the house (don't tell my husband).  I just buy more of what I know we use often, so that there's no way we'll run out.  I buy it more than we use it, so it just stockpiles.

I guess I'll be ready for the zombies, even if it's by accident.

Sleep

When I was younger, sleep was terrible for me.  Looking back, I know that it was due to the ADHD.  My mind would race and race, and I couldn't calm down to get to sleep.  It doesn't sound like that big of a deal from today's perspective, but there were several years of hell for my parents and I.

I think it was late elementary school when it started.  My parents set up a good bedtime routine for my sister and I.  We would read stories, first together as young kids, then on our own.  We would say prayers and go to bed.  At a certain point, it started taking me up to six hours to fall asleep.  I don't remember my exact bedtime.  I do remember seeing one, two, three o'clock roll around some nights.

I had a lot of anxiety attacks.  Or just fear attacks.  It was a lot like a temper tantrum, but without the anger.  Crying, yelling, begging to sleep with my mom.  As a coping mechanism, I started going to bed earlier and earlier.  I figured that going to bed earlier would mean going to sleep earlier.  It didn't work.

The pediatrician tried to help with a two week supply of sleeping pills.  I remember the glorious feeling those little green pills gave me.  Peace, knowing I wasn't going to have to work at falling asleep.  Happiness that there would be no meltdown.  But it was only for two weeks.  The idea was to reset my sleep habits/internal clock/whatever.  It didn't work.

Starting around dinner time or dusk, whichever would come first given the season, I would become very anxious.  Sometimes the meltdown would occur before bedtime was even a thought for anyone else, because I was so upset about what would be coming.  I can remember going to camp and laying in my bunk about to jump out of my skin because I'd be in an unfamiliar place with new people, and I couldn't freak out.  Or maybe I could.  Then I just couldn't help it.  For years and years, evenings were horrible.

Once I was diagnosed with ADHD and OCD (due to my bedtime routines/behaviors) and medicated for these, the bedtime problems and anxiety disappeared.  Occasionally I have some kind of flashback to what it felt like when I was so wrapped up in the anxiety of laying in bed for hours, wanting to go to sleep.

Then G started having trouble sleeping.  I know my husband hates it when he comes to bed and G is in bed with me, but if G's upset about not being able to sleep, I cave in about 50% of the time.  The rest of the time, I go snuggle with him.  We've had a lot of improvement with lots of exercise and melatonin.  As of right now, I think I've managed to help him avoid the issues I had.

My advice?  Try exercise.  Try melatonin.  Try anything you have to.  Sleep is important, and sleep issues can have longterm impacts on kids.  And ADHD doesn't help with sleep issues at all.

The Junk Drawer

I don't know if everyone has a junk drawer in their home.  Everyone that I've met has one, but I'm not sure that I've met enough people to turn that into everyone.  I recently did a little cleaning of my junk drawer, and I was pretty amazed at what I found:

- 3 Thomas the Tank Engine zoo animals
- 2 Toy Story figurines from the grandparents' house
- About 300 small, loose stickers
- 1 roll of motivational stickers
- 1 baggie of magnets
- 1 card about the patron saint of selling houses
- 3 cards from my husband for various events
- 2 unspent giftcards, totaling $60
- 3 small bubble containers/wands
- 5 dry erase markers
- 1 pencil sharpener
- 3 pencils
- 2 bouncy balls
- 1 whistle
- 5 out-of-date coupons
- 10+ pieces of random candy
- 3 partially used packages of gum
- 2 unopened packages of gum
- 4 recipes I've never cooked
- 3 kazoos, all broken
- 2 packages of birthday candles
- 1 waterproof iPhone case

And a bunch of other stuff.  Anyone catch anything interesting in there?  How about those $60 in gift cards?  $10 for Starbucks from a parent, $50 from Amazon from my brother-in-law and his girlfriend.  Both from Christmas last year.  As in, about 11 months ago.  Wow.  I guess I couldn't decide how to spend the cards when I got them, so I put them in a "safe place" to await some decisions.  I totally forgot they were there.  I bought myself a yarn swift on Amazon, which should come soon.  I'm going to have a cup o' joe from Starbucks one day this week, or maybe get a new travel mug.

As silly as it feels to have forgotten about $60 of gifts, it certainly made for a nice surprise.  If only cleaning my house always yielded such delights!

Homework Lessons Learned

I have been teaching for ten years.  Over those years, I've given hundreds of homework assignments, and many of them haven't come back.  I had a very self-righteous feeling about those assignments that didn't get done.  How dare those parents not value their child's education!  What could they be doing in the evenings that's more important than practicing the skills that I decide are so necessary?  How could you leave your paper/book/workbook/etc. at school?  You need those things to do homework!  Don't give me excuses- give me the work!

Then my own kid got to first grade.  There is homework every night, Monday through Thursday.  I have realized a lot about why those homework assignments didn't get returned.  I imagine that I feel very much as a friend felt when, as a successful ENT, he ended up at the emergency room getting a raisin removed from his ear.

Sometimes the kid with ADHD forgets the materials he needs.  Sometimes he puts those materials in someone else's backpack because the other kid's name starts with the same three letters.  Sometimes the parents, even with a master's degree in special education, can't figure out what the directions mean, or which words to study, or what sentences to write.

Sometimes LIFE happens.  Sometimes you have a meeting and swim lessons and dinner and family time.  Sometimes everyone but the kid with the homework feels sick.  Sometimes the parent in charge has ADHD and completely forgets about homework, even though its the same assignment every single Tuesday night.  Sometimes the idea of forcing your writing-adverse kid pick up a pencil makes the nucleus of every cell in your body scream with frustration.

I find it a lot harder now to call up a parent about missing homework.  I find that I gently remind them of the importance, and to please let me know if its too much.  Maybe just write me a quick note if it was too hard or too long or if the evening was just a wash for one reason or another.

And please, for Pete's sake, let me get teachers for my boys in the future who have learned the same lesson I have.

See? I have ADHD, too!

I have many friends and colleagues that seem skeptical about my ADHD.  I've held down a job for an extended amount of time.  I have managed to keep some of the same hobbies for decades, such as quilting and knitting.  I'd say I'm fairly successful as an adult.

However, I can't stick with things.

This blog, for example.  I fell off the face of the earth.  Its okay- school got busy.

My quilting, for example.  I still do it.  I just haven't finished more than half of what I've started.  My first quilt ever, started while I was in high school, is still unfinished.  (I graduated in 1997...)  I started a quilt with the clothes of my friend's father.  Its less than halfway done, over a year in.

I started needle-pointing a stocking for J soon after he was born.  Its nowhere near done, and this will be his fourth Christmas.

Hopefully this winter will give me some time inside to get some projects finished.  Anyone out there have advice on how to get these projects all completed?  All the new ones call me away before real progress gets made!

ADHD and My Weight

I have struggled with being overweight for most of my adult life.  I attribute this to a couple of different things, but while I can pinpoint some of the issues, I've yet to actually solve the problem.

I am a mild binge eater, on a regular basis.  I won't buy and eat several boxes of cookies, but if there's a box in the house, and its open, I'll eat a lot of them.  Or finish the whole box with the idea that if I finish it, it won't be calling my name anymore.  I go on frequent little binges.  I have done this fairly steadily from childhood on.  I don't know if has to do with impulse control or some signal in my brain that my ancestors had to always be prepared for a famine.  I just know how embarrassing it was when my mom found I'd been hoarding food in my closet.

I also have no sticking power for diets.  I can go a couple of weeks pretty steadily, and then I'll fall off the wagon.  I can get back on, only to fall off again fairly quickly.  I'll go to a store not expecting to buy any junk food (sugary stuff is my weakness), but come out with a box of something unhealthy.  In my mind, I know I shouldn't buy or eat the junk.  I'll tell myself no, but I can't stick with it.  Forget the diet, I'll say to myself.  I know I'll regret it later.  I know that one flop on the diet usually leads me to another.  I have yet to figure out a way to keep myself from sabotaging myself.

This weekend I sabotaged myself.  I'm four pounds away from a goal weight I've had for months.  FOUR POUNDS.  And I ordered pizza Sunday night.  Starting tomorrow morning, I'm getting back on the wagon.  See ya later, four pounds!

Single Parent

So I know I don't get to act like some kind of saint, but last week was rough.  My husband was away on a trip, for fun, while I was home with both boys.  And my mom's out of town, so there wasn't any family around to help out.

We survived!  Yay!

I was expecting some kind of disaster related to my ADHD.  Forgetting someone's lunch.  Forgetting to pick up a kid.  Losing my wallet/keys/checkbook.  Not making it to an important meeting at work, of which there were several.  Someone getting sick, me needing to be away from school, and having no sub plans ready.

It all went very well!  I was exhausted by Friday, but everyone survived and I was as successful at work as I usually am.  A few little hiccups, but nothing terrible.  I did have a babysitter come Friday and put J to bed and get G ready for bed.  I went grocery shopping and bought ice cream I shouldn't have bought, but I ate some and threw the rest away.

So Hubs is home, and life can go back to low level craziness.  And I'll get back to posting regularly.

If it works for me...

It may work for G.  Today we had homework.  Its nothing huge- ten spelling words, written three times each.  Boy, oh boy.  Fun stuff when you hate to write!  I sat G down to do his work after school, and he fussed and fussed.  I asked him to tell me what I could do to help.  He wanted me two write each word two times so he only had to write them once.  Sorry, kid.  No can do.

Then it hit me.  Sometimes, I need breaks in between my work.  So I had him write each word once, then take a break, write each word once, take a break, write each word the last time.

Ta da!  Homework completed about eight minutes later.  Word to the parents out there struggling with homework- chunk it.  (I typed chuck it first.  While I like the idea of chucking homework, my colleagues would string me up.)  Use timers.  Set goals.  Break it up so that kids have a chance to wiggle and chill out.

And I'll keep working on doing this myself when all the work piles up!

Work Completion

I have a whole lot of work to do today.  Its nice to have a three-day weekend, so I spent two days doing family stuff.  Today is work day.  Lesson plans, paperwork, laundry, homework assignments for my students, worksheets for use in class...

I've already given up.  I have lesson plans for Tuesday and Wednesday.  I have some math papers ready to use.  The laundry is nearly done.  I did three of the six special education documents I need to get done.  I updated my to-do list on my Google calendar.  And, I'm just done.

What I can't figure out is if I have other things I'd rather do, or if I just don't want to do the stuff I have to do.  I'd like to go get some stuff we need at Sam's Club.  We are also going to join the Y, so that could be fun to do today.  But even if I didn't find something else that I wanted to do more, I don't think I'd want to keep working on school work.

I worked some last night.  I worked some this morning.  I'll probably work some more this evening.  So breaking it up is a good way to put a dent in the list of things to do.  I'd feel really awesome if it was all finished at one sitting, but that's just unrealistic.

Inheritance

I find it kind of strange that my children inherited some peculiar traits from me.  I mean, G has my ADHD.  Not strange.  J has my blue eyes.  Not strange.  But G inherited my inability to deal with suspense.  And its strange.

I was the laughing stock of my husband and in-laws for quite awhile after a movie incident years ago.  We were watching "Meet the Parents."  It was not my first time seeing the movie.  I thought it was funny, but hard to watch.  We get to the scene with the cat on the roof.  Everyone in the room is laughing.

I had to get up and leave.  I could not stand to watch the destruction.  It was just too much, even though it was all funny.

I threatened to walk out of the theater during the last "Lord of the Rings" movie when my husband wanted me to sit and wait it out to see if Aragorn and Arwen end up together.  I was about to leave- I couldn't take it.

I honestly read movie spoilers online before going to see the movie, just so I know.

G has this issue as well.  I can't even count the number of times that we've been watching some innocuous children's show- Doc McStuffins, Mike the Knight, Team Umi Zoomi- and he's run out of the room with his hands on his ears, yelling, "I can't stand it!"  These are not scary shows!  I mean, c'mon.  Doc McStuffins has never lost a patient, and I can't imagine the Disney cooperation allowing a toy doctor to kill off a talking baby doll.

Poor husband o' mine.  He loves movies.  Any and all of them.  And he's stuck with me, who won't watch anything overly dramatic, and G, who freaks out at movies he's already seen a dozen times.

I don't think its an ADHD thing, because other ADHDers that I know don't have this issue.  I think its just me being me and G being G.

What's the strangest thing that your child has inherited from you?

Back-To-Work Organization

As a school teacher, I have a definite beginning and ending to each work year.  Most of last year was horrible.  My depression flared up in the fall.  My ADHD was causing plenty of difficulties with completing work on time and remembering what had to be done by when.  So I'm trying to get my act together this year, and I think its going to help.

My school division gave all the teachers laptops.  (Okay- lent us all laptops.)  So I've decided that Google Calendar is going to keep me in line.  I am hooked up with my mother and husband's calendars, which is very helpful.  I have my task list going, and I'm adding things to them by due date.  Some of the tasks are due next week and some are due in February.  I also have access to the calendar on my phone so I can check in on things.  I have a good plan in place- now I have to execute it!

When a task comes up, I need to make sure I add it to the list instead of writing myself a post-it note to get buried somewhere.  I need to check my calendar and lists daily.  I need to do what's on the list!  That's the hard part.  I schedule, write, and manage IEPs.  There's a load of paperwork with all that, and I have to be on the ball.  Procrastination just won't cut it.

I'll check back in on my organization periodically.  Sometimes it helps me just to have someone to report back to.  Anyone out in cyberspace have ideas?  How do other adults with ADHD handle the organizing and responsibilities that come with work?

Co-morbidity with ADHD

I've been thinking a lot about ADHD co-morbidity.  I found an interesting diagram here.  (I don't know a whole lot about quoting other sources on the internet.  Its not my diagram.  I don't know whose it is.  But I like it- if its yours, awesome job.  Message me and I'll put your name with it.)  I'm not sure about the numbers that are on here.  I'm less concerned about the correctness of the numbers and more concerned about the big picture.


I don't tend to think of ADHD as a disability in most situations- there are definitely times in my life when my brain's method/madness has been an advantage.  I think of it as a brain's way of working, and I think its a spectrum, similar to current thinking on autism.   I know many people who have said, "I think I have some ADHD, too, especially in _________ situation..."  I don't doubt it.

When I look at this chart, I find myself in many areas.  I will have to take antidepressants for the rest of my life.  I'm not thrilled about that fact, but I have found some meds that work and have worked for years.  I definitely had difficulties in learning math as a teenager.  I was able to work through it to some extent in college and past.  Math isn't a strength for me, but I remember working so hard with my father and sister as tutors, and still not getting it.  I struggled with oppositional behaviors as a child and teenager.  Not as severe as some kids, but enough to where it caused problems in my family.  I don't see OCD on here, but I was diagnosed with that at one time.  It developed as a coping mechanism for my sleep difficulties, which were a result of an overactive brain at bedtime.

I look over this and wonder about the impact of my different way of thinking on my life.  Somewhere in elementary school, my academic, behavioral, and social lives were impacted by my brain.  My family and friend relationships suffered, leading to behavioral problems.  Then my self-esteem was impacted.  Would I have difficulty with depression if I didn't have ADHD?  How much of my depression was the mean voice in my head telling me that I was no good at math, and no one liked me, and I couldn't even be nice to my parents?  If I could pay attention better in math class, would I have been better at math?  Would my grades have been better, leading to higher self-esteem, leading to less depression?

I look at G and try to find him on this chart/spectrum.  We've got some behavioral stuff going on.  We've go some sensory/social stuff that inches towards the autism spectrum.  We've definitely got some OCD mixed in there.  I'm trying really hard to work on his self-esteem.  One of the things he hears from me a lot is, "I love you, no matter what."  I try to provide as much positive feedback as I can when the good times are rolling.  I don't turn my head to the bad stuff- we address it and move on.

I'd love to hear from cyberspace.  What do you think of this diagram?  Does it fit for you and/or your child?  Is something missing?  Do you have a site/diagram/article that relates to this?