As one of my few readers asked, when do you worry? What do you look for? I can't explain it all, not in one post, or even in a dozen. But I observed J, my "neurotypical" three-year-old at a playground at a mall a few weeks ago. Watching him play was so different from watching G play. One thing that struck me was how much attention I could pay to him, since G wasn't there. I'd forgotten how vigilant I always am for G since people don't get hurt as often when playing with J.
I figure discussing the difference between the two boys would be a good way to answer the question just a little bit.
For one, J used the equipment the way it was intended to be used. Now, I love G's creativity; he is able to take a pipe cleaner and turn it into a million different things. But sometimes I want my kids to follow convention. Go up the stairs and down the slide. Sit in the helicopter and pretend to fly it.
J asks for a turn from the other kids. He engages the other children (G tend to talk to the adults and ask them lots of questions), and wants to get to know them. J asks them how old they are and if they want to play with him. He makes conversation.
J plays with his hands off. Don't get me wrong- he'll wrestle his big brother to the ground and doesn't feel bad about it. But he knows the limits with children from outside the family. G has never minded escalating a confrontation with unknown children.
J will play for a much longer time than G. He'll be content to play on each piece of equipment, then move to something else. When that doesn't hold his attention, he may go back to one he's already played on. He would play with other kids until they lost interest, not until he lost interest. Even the toys on the side of the playground, like little marble mazes, held his interest for a long-enough time to complete the activity at hand.
I think the biggest difference for me was J looking for me every once in awhile. G tends to gravitate toward any adult, approaching strangers to ask to play with their phones or to find out about their child's toy. Not J. He wanted to make sure I was there, keeping an eye out, but he didn't want anything to do with the other adults there. He'd interact with kids, but he isn't going to open up to any adult that comes along unless a safe adult is near him.
This description of the differences is not a great way to answer the questions. But I always watch G play with a sense of foreboding. And I'm always having to intervene to ensure that the other parents don't give me nasty looks. J just doesn't require that.
Seeing the difference in how I have to act was a big sign of the trouble for me. And I knew before J was even born that G was... different from the children I'd babysat for and seen in the general education classrooms I worked in. It also helps to discuss your concerns with friends, family, pediatricians, etc. Sometimes a little informal observation of other kids helps, too.
So there you go, Katie. A long-winded, round-about answer!
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