Parties

One of my readers sent a request for information on having atypical children come to a birthday party.  I’m providing you with a set of potentially handy tips.  While G has ADHD, there are also some anxiety and sensory issues going on with him.  I’m writing this with ADHD, anxiety, and autism spectrum disorders in mind.  Day-to-day parenting is hard enough; parenting in front of other people at a special event can be terrifying.  Here are some ideas that might help to make things smoother:

- I’ve acknowledged that my child is different to you.  It’s okay for other people to acknowledge this as well.  If you know a kid is different, you can ask some questions, like when is a good time for a party (10:00-2:00, prime medication hours), what should we do at the party (whatever the birthday kid wants, just don’t try to make G join in any games), and what should we eat (NO RED DYE!).  This will be different for all children with disabilities.  The one thing to remember is that parents will nearly always be thankful that you cared enough to ask.

If a parent hasn’t acknowledged a difference but you happen to notice that little Timmy is a lot like Sheldon Cooper or Dennis the Menace, you can still have some strategies lined up.

- Set up some off-limits areas in the house.  When the child and parent shows up, gently tell them about the boundaries.  Show where is okay to go and where is not okay to go.  Have a plan if you have something awesome in the off-boundaries area.  (We went to a party where the kids had large AT-AT toys in the playroom and the parents wanted us out of the playroom during cake time.  We told him when he’d be allowed to go back to see the AT-AT toys.  Problem solved.)  If you can lock a door to the off limits area, go ahead.  I lock doors to rooms in my house all the time.

- Have something special for the child to play with that is quiet.  I know that other kids may want to join in.  You can discourage this by saying, “I know that’s really cool, but Timmy needs some quiet time.  You can have a turn after he has a turn.”  If a kid says it’s not fair, I’ve had good success with the following concept: Fair doesn’t mean everyone gets the same thing.  Fair means everyone gets what they need.  Even very small children have been able to understand that, in my experience.

- Enlist help.  Ask someone that you think may be good at it to take 15-20 minutes to hang out with the atypical kid.  This will allow a stressed-out parent to get a drink, have some cake, and be an adult.

- Tell what’s coming next and when it’s coming.  “We are going to have some cake in about five minutes.”  Then, “Two minutes to cake time!”  Transitions are probably the most difficult part for G, and for lots of other kids.  Knowing what is coming next can help a lot.  Also, if your family does something out of the ordinary, like scream the Happy Birthday song, give a warning!  Overstimulation with sound, lights, and scents can trigger a lot of problems.  Give time for the child to prepare or to remove themselves.

- Be open with the atypical kid.  If you’ve said they can’t go into a certain area, stick with it.  Calmly let the child know, “It is very important that we stay out of this area because the cats need quiet.”  Or, “I don’t like it when you scream like that.  Can I help you with something?”  How about, “Oh, you’re standing very close to me.  Can you take two steps back?”  You can also enlist the help of the children around.  If a kid comes and tattles on the atypical kid, saying, “He pushed me and I fell down,” have the kids talk.  I’ve found at school that if a kid tells another kid, “Stop it!  I don’t like that,” we get results much faster.  Tell the child that was pushed, “Please tell Timmy to stop.  Tell him that he hurt you.”  Kids, even the atypical ones, tune out parents after a while.  Kids need to learn social skills.  It takes a village to teach those social skills to some kids.

- If you’ve done these things and a meltdown occurs, offer your help.  Turn to the parent and ask, “Can I help with anything?”  Or “Is there something we can do to help improve the situation?”  If the family leaves, ask later, once things are all calm.  “How could I have helped you avoid something like that in the future?”  This shows you care, and it can help keep it from happening next time.

Keep your sense of humor and assure the parents of your support.  A hug and offer of help can make nearly any situation feel better.  Don’t judge the child or the parent on an extraordinary circumstance.

Most importantly, no matter what a child has done at the party, kneel down, attempt to look him in the eye (don’t force it), and tell him you are glad he came.  Those words are good for the kid, but even better for the parents.