Second Grade, One-Fourth In

We've finished the first quarter of the school year, and I thought I'd post an update on second grade so far.

- G is reading short chapter books independently.  He can read a Poppleton or Henry and Mudge book in one sitting, and then successfully take an AR test on it (a short comprehension quiz, giving points that can be used for rewards).  He can read a Magic Treehouse book over several days and take an AR test on it, although his scores aren't quite as good.  Maybe he forgets details in the two or three days he reads?

- G can do most of his homework independently.  Some days he does all of it on his own!  I talk to him before he starts about what all needs to be done.  I sometimes have to prompt him to keep going or to start the next activity.  When he's done, I look over it to make sure he did it correctly, then we pack it all up together so that nothing gets left at home.  Overall, I'm pleased with the progress he's making towards independence on homework.

- We've had one referral to the office.  He was fighting with another boy on the playground; they both got written up.  Unfortunately, he gets going over the dumbest things.  The playground incident was over his place in line.  He tussled with a girl over a piece of paper in the classroom.  These situations aren't anything for him to get worked up over, but it shows that he lacks self control.

- He's learning a whole lot.  I'm thrilled to pieces with his academic progress in reading, math, and other subjects.  The two teachers he works with seem to like him and enjoy having him in class.

I think there are several reasons that things are going well this year.  First, we've laid some extensive groundwork between the medication he takes and the teachers he's worked with.  We've put a lot of energy into helping him take responsibility for learning and behavior, while keeping him safe and secure in himself.  Second, I talk to his teachers frequently.  I know what's expected and I do what I can behind the scenes to meet those expectations.  I don't want to be the helicopter or the bulldozer, but I'm checking up on things often.  Third, (but just as important as others) he has teachers that are organized and consistent, along with caring.  We've handpicked his teachers, and its part of the success.

We have some areas that need work.

- His writing is awful.  His handwriting is illegible at times, although my OT friend says he's going to be okay.  He hates writing, so he doesn't practice much, and so he doesn't get much better.  Tough cycle.

- He's got his sensory issues still.  Picking, chewing, etc.

- Behavior will always be a work-in-progress.  We medicated him three years ago because the kids around him were getting hurt.  If his behavior was appropriate, we wouldn't medicate him.  It'll just take time.

Big picture?  Things are going well.  There's room for growth, but I'm pretty pleased.

A Tale of Four Shirts

The shirts I speak of are the four that my kids ruined this week.  We can start with J, who is mimicking his big brother without even knowing it.  J put holes in the waist and wrist areas of two shirts.  He enjoys putting his fingers through the holes, so he just goes for it during listening time at school.  He got off the bus Wednesday and handed me the whole cuff of a long-sleeved t-shirt.  He'd ripped it clear off after putting some holes in the sleeve.  One of the shirts was Hubby's favorite to see the kids in, and the other was a Superman shirt with a detachable cape.  I'm letting the Superman shirt stay in rotation for now, three holes and all.  Because I'm the kind of mother that doesn't mind her kid looking like a ragamuffin.

Now, on to G.  Man, oh man.  I was in a meeting with some parents on Thursday when G's face appeared at my classroom door.  He started to open it, his teacher appeared behind him, she noticed there was a meeting, and they left.  I was a little anxious, as they haven't shown up at my door all year.  It didn't look like an emergency, and five minutes later, I hadn't been called to the clinic or office.  So I knew no one was hurt too badly.  Once the meeting ended, I found Mrs. P, his teacher.

Mrs. P explained the situation to me.  The scab picking is still an issue.  G had picked a scab on his arm and then used his shirt to blot the blood.  He blotted the blood no less than 37 times.  How do I know?  I counted the dots of blood all over his new orange Cub Scout shirt.  (Thanks to All Free and Clear detergent, it all came out!  I forgot to pretreat it.  Not surprising.)

The second shirt for G was Friday.  He chewed through the neckline of another shirt.

So one shirt went into the trash, two are just ratty but usable, and one still looks fine thanks to modern laundry science.  I have ordered chewy necklaces for the boys to use, primarily G.  I may try them with J, too.  Hopefully we can have something for hands and mouths to do that won't involve ruining more shirts.  And I'm going to keep saying yes to hand-me-downs.  Then I won't feel so bad when the shirt doesn't survive these boys for very long.

Ouch!

G is a picker.  Scabs, nose, ears, skin.  But there's one type of picking that I simply don't understand.  He will take a little piece of skin on the tip of a finger and pick and pick.  It goes in cycles, and its been a year or so since its been a problem.  Today he came to me and I thought he'd been painting.  Nope- that magenta colored spot on his pinky finger was his own doing.

How do we stop this?  I think what really bothers me is that I know it hurts him.  He's inflicting some pain on himself compulsively.  Or obsessively.  I don't know which.

I feel like painting it with NewSkin could help.  It would hurt, which would be a deterrent.  And it would cover the wound for awhile while it heals.  But it seems almost like torture to do that.  Bandaids just give him something else to pick at and mess with.  The pediatricians have no ideas for me.  I'm lost.

Parties

One of my readers sent a request for information on having atypical children come to a birthday party.  I’m providing you with a set of potentially handy tips.  While G has ADHD, there are also some anxiety and sensory issues going on with him.  I’m writing this with ADHD, anxiety, and autism spectrum disorders in mind.  Day-to-day parenting is hard enough; parenting in front of other people at a special event can be terrifying.  Here are some ideas that might help to make things smoother:

- I’ve acknowledged that my child is different to you.  It’s okay for other people to acknowledge this as well.  If you know a kid is different, you can ask some questions, like when is a good time for a party (10:00-2:00, prime medication hours), what should we do at the party (whatever the birthday kid wants, just don’t try to make G join in any games), and what should we eat (NO RED DYE!).  This will be different for all children with disabilities.  The one thing to remember is that parents will nearly always be thankful that you cared enough to ask.

If a parent hasn’t acknowledged a difference but you happen to notice that little Timmy is a lot like Sheldon Cooper or Dennis the Menace, you can still have some strategies lined up.

- Set up some off-limits areas in the house.  When the child and parent shows up, gently tell them about the boundaries.  Show where is okay to go and where is not okay to go.  Have a plan if you have something awesome in the off-boundaries area.  (We went to a party where the kids had large AT-AT toys in the playroom and the parents wanted us out of the playroom during cake time.  We told him when he’d be allowed to go back to see the AT-AT toys.  Problem solved.)  If you can lock a door to the off limits area, go ahead.  I lock doors to rooms in my house all the time.

- Have something special for the child to play with that is quiet.  I know that other kids may want to join in.  You can discourage this by saying, “I know that’s really cool, but Timmy needs some quiet time.  You can have a turn after he has a turn.”  If a kid says it’s not fair, I’ve had good success with the following concept: Fair doesn’t mean everyone gets the same thing.  Fair means everyone gets what they need.  Even very small children have been able to understand that, in my experience.

- Enlist help.  Ask someone that you think may be good at it to take 15-20 minutes to hang out with the atypical kid.  This will allow a stressed-out parent to get a drink, have some cake, and be an adult.

- Tell what’s coming next and when it’s coming.  “We are going to have some cake in about five minutes.”  Then, “Two minutes to cake time!”  Transitions are probably the most difficult part for G, and for lots of other kids.  Knowing what is coming next can help a lot.  Also, if your family does something out of the ordinary, like scream the Happy Birthday song, give a warning!  Overstimulation with sound, lights, and scents can trigger a lot of problems.  Give time for the child to prepare or to remove themselves.

- Be open with the atypical kid.  If you’ve said they can’t go into a certain area, stick with it.  Calmly let the child know, “It is very important that we stay out of this area because the cats need quiet.”  Or, “I don’t like it when you scream like that.  Can I help you with something?”  How about, “Oh, you’re standing very close to me.  Can you take two steps back?”  You can also enlist the help of the children around.  If a kid comes and tattles on the atypical kid, saying, “He pushed me and I fell down,” have the kids talk.  I’ve found at school that if a kid tells another kid, “Stop it!  I don’t like that,” we get results much faster.  Tell the child that was pushed, “Please tell Timmy to stop.  Tell him that he hurt you.”  Kids, even the atypical ones, tune out parents after a while.  Kids need to learn social skills.  It takes a village to teach those social skills to some kids.

- If you’ve done these things and a meltdown occurs, offer your help.  Turn to the parent and ask, “Can I help with anything?”  Or “Is there something we can do to help improve the situation?”  If the family leaves, ask later, once things are all calm.  “How could I have helped you avoid something like that in the future?”  This shows you care, and it can help keep it from happening next time.

Keep your sense of humor and assure the parents of your support.  A hug and offer of help can make nearly any situation feel better.  Don’t judge the child or the parent on an extraordinary circumstance.

Most importantly, no matter what a child has done at the party, kneel down, attempt to look him in the eye (don’t force it), and tell him you are glad he came.  Those words are good for the kid, but even better for the parents.

Halloween

Its taken a few years and two medications, but we had a good Halloween here.

In years past, we picked costumes, got all dressed up, and then G would only want to give out candy.  (We get over a thousand kids each year, in 1.5-2 hours).  At least two years that I can remember, G picked out his costume and then wouldn't wear it.  We would have to put on pajamas that resembled a costume.

The hours before trick-or-treating would be filled with wild running and screaming.  My husband and I would be trying to convince G to wear the costume we bought/made, while he was crying because it seemed like torture.  Then the kids would start coming, and we couldn't get G to focus.  He was overwhelmed by the kids, the costumes, the noise, and the candy.

After the event, there was no peace in the house.  Even without getting a lot of candy, he'd be so wound up he couldn't sleep.   Hubby and I would be exhausted from a long day at work and then hours of candy distribution, but not G.

This year was great.  He wore his Power Rangers costume with much glee.  We made it to about 20 houses.  We came back home, played with friends, and handed out candy.  We all went to bed.  Awesome.

There was some social awkwardness.  He wanted to make conversation with every single person who came by the house.  He said nice things- "I like your sword!", "I'm a Power Ranger, too!", "I like to play Minecraft!"  But it was always by standing in front of them while they wanted to just get going on their candy-picking way.  He touched a lot of decorations and tried to go into a few houses (hey, the doors were open), making several middle-aged women nervous.  He touched people and their costumes without worrying about socially-acceptable hand placement.  At the end of his rounds, he was ready to go in the house and our steps were full.  Since he isn't Moses and couldn't part the sea of kids, he just barreled his way up the steps.  I caught a nice lady trying to teach him some manners.  "I'm sorry," I said.  "He lives here, he's not trying get ahead of the others for the candy."

Then G and J and their two little friends ate Nerds and played Lego Batman.  It was pretty successful, overall.  363 days until I have to do it all over again.

A Successful Social Event

Last night, we had about thirty people come over for a cookout.  Due to rain, we didn't actually cook out anything, but we ate and drank and were merry.  The attendees were members of my husband's team at work.  There were lots of adults, and about ten kids all together.  G did a great job nearly all of the time.  As I was relaxing after, I starting thinking about why he was so successful.

- None of the kids were exactly his age.  No pressure to act a certain way or be friends with a certain kid.

- The two kids older than G were girls.  Strong-willed, well-spoken girls with a younger brother to boss around.  Two girls who had no problem telling G what to do in his own house.  While G hates when family tells him what to do or simply ignores the annoying voices, older girls are not an issue.  He's pretty obedient for the ladies.  I'm sure that will come in handy later in life.

- Josh.  Man, I love this guy.  I don't even know his last name.  He's an intern, and he took a whole lot of time to play with both of my boys.  He kept disappearing, and I didn't know where the kids were, and I'd find Josh lifting up J again and again to dunk his hamster toy through a basketball hoop.  At one point, G was melting down over what he wanted to eat.  I think he was just over-stimulated.  Did Josh tell G to buck up?  Did he give G a funny look?  Nope.  He just used a nice calm voice to help him out.  I informed Josh that we pay $10/hour for people to play Legos with the boys.  He said he'd take it.  I need his number.

Three pretty awesome aspects to the evening meant I got to eat and talk and play with the other kids a bit.  It wasn't perfect- J got tackled several times by G, which led to an insane amount of screaming.  We ignored most of it, and J came to us when he needed intervention.  G had trouble telling me what he wanted to eat for dinner and how much he wanted.  But in the past five years or so, this was the most successful social event I've been able to host.  So next time you have a get-together with a kid with ADHD, check your guest list.  It can help a lot.

Parenting Criticism

I am not a perfect person, and I'm not a perfect parent.  I love my kids a lot, and I have the best of intentions.  Things don't always work out the way I want them to.  Sometimes these less-than-favorable situations occur in front of strangers.  And sometimes those strangers think they have the answers.

We were at the local Subway one recent evening.  G and J were both really wound up (medicine was out of G's system).  There was one couple eating, and two or three people in line.  I didn't worry too much, as long as they were semi-quiet.  They were swinging on the bar in the wait line and racing each other back and forth across the widest space.  This guy behind me starts to chuckle a bit under his breath at their antics.  Sensing a sense of humor, I smiled at him and said, "Keep laughing, and they both go home with you!"  He laughed back.  We got our food and ate.  He gave a little wave on his way out.  A kindred spirit.  I bet he was remembering being a lot like G and J.  No big deal.

We went into the bathroom to wash up.  They have one of those Excellerator dryers that make a lot of scary noise when you don't like loud noises.  J decided he wanted to keep starting it and putting his head under it.  He's screaming, because that's the noise he makes ALL THE TIME now.  Happy?  Scream.  Sad?  Scream.  Angry?  Scream.  Then G gets more wound up because the dryer is loud and his brother is loud.  I have two kids screaming very loudly.  Their excitement is feeding off of each other.  I don't stress out much- there weren't many people in the restaurant, and we are kinda in the back away from the people.  It also wasn't the type of screaming to imply chainsaw massacre.  I laugh it off, I get them wrangled, and out we go.

No one there?  WRONG.  Suddenly, everyone wanted to go to Subway, and they all heard my kids.  I kind of duck my head and smile with a "boys will be boys" expression.  Most of the people in line give a sympathetic smile back.  The guy at the register, in his sixties or seventies, though, has an opinion.  "Some kids... But if they were my kids..."

Whoa.  Really, dude?  I'll let you at 'em for awhile.  I'll even hang on to the Focalin if you want to try to straighten them out all on your own.  Don't start judging strangers on their parenting (unless you see someone beating their child or being verbally abusive- not okay) without having more information.  I'm okay with input.  My husband, my mom, my sister, my in-laws, my friends (the ones with less-than-perfect children), my co-workers...  Feel free.  I'm open to suggestions.  But strangers at Subway?  Knock it off.

Karate Update

Well, I'm frustrated with karate.  I shouldn't be surprised, but I'm disappointed.  Even with three adults supervising the 8-12 kids, G finds plenty of ways to cause trouble.  Tackling.  Take downs.  Blowing in ears.  Headbutting (gently, at least, but still obnoxious).  Using the equipment when he's been told not to.  I'm debating what to do.

One option is to do nothing.  Just keep letting him do what he's doing.  He's a boy, right?  They do obnoxious things sometimes, right?  Someone will slug him one day when he's annoying enough, and he'll learn to knock it off.

Another option is to ask the teachers to verbally correct him more frequently.  They are always watching, but the two assistant coaches aren't very outgoing with the kids.  Maybe they would be able to step in a little more?

Third option- try a different business.  Maybe the way this class is run is causing some problems.  Too much talking?  Too many other kids?  Too much wait time?  I don't have anything to compare it to.  Its our first karate experience.

Last option is to just take him out.  Why spend the money trying to make G behave in a way he isn't ready to behave?  Maybe re-enroll him in a year.

I just don't know.  Anyone in cyberspace have ideas?

Birthday Party, In Retrospect

My one blog reader has asked if I have some ideas about how I would do G's birthday party differently.  Thanks for the input.  I've been thinking about it.

-  I would definitely make it an activity party.  As much as I hate planning that type of party, it would have kept G busy, and it would have helped him interact with his friends.  His previous party was like that.  It was Lego themed, so we made and raced Lego cars, etc.  It seemed like keeping him busy made the presents less attractive, at least temporarily.

- I would invite less adults.  This party was more of a get-together for all our friends, including parents.  G's dad and I were both trying to mingle with adults for some of the time.  This was okay for all the kids except G.

- I would start letting G know about a week in advance that we would not be opening presents at the party, and I would put them away somewhere behind a closed door.  (They were on the desk in our office, near the party this time.)  We would aim for "out of sight, out of mind," and I'd prepare him more in advance for the situation.

- If I decide not to do the party at home next year, which sounds great but costs more money, that might help, too.  There would be activities planned, like playing in a museum or skating.  That would probably help him interact with the other kids and keep him from fixating on the presents.  Its just a matter of being willing to spend all the money, or wanting to keep it frugal.

Maybe a year will give G a whole lot of maturity.  Maybe none of this will be an issue.  A mom can dream, right?

Shameless Promotional Message

G is a picker.  I hate to admit that he gets it from me, although I'm much better than he is.  He'll pick his nose.  Scabs.  Skin on his fingers and feet.  ANYTHING.  So I found these:



I love these band-aids.  I really love them.  G's covered in mosquito bites, so he has plenty of things to pick at.  Some of his wounds have been there for weeks because he takes off the scab each day.  That makes it really hard for those suckers to heal.

So here's what I do.  I put one of these on each of the wounds.  They hurt like a motherf#*$&@ to take off, so he leaves them on.  (If a easy band-aid is on, its just something else to pick off.)  I discovered these band-aids when I put one on my arm.  Five days later, I wanted it off. 

It was like this:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3koe_J36rW4

So if you have a scab picker, try these!  They'll help!

The Birthday Party

G's birthday is mid-June, but we held the party yesterday since we'd been at the beach.  I'm having a hard time deciding if the party was great (considering) or if it was dreadful.

We invited grandparents (67% showed up), neighbors (2 families with 2 kids each showed up), and G's ENTIRE CLASS.  Thankfully, I have experience with this.  Of twenty kids, four showed up.  That was perfect- the kids that came were the neurotypical type who sit quietly and follow directions.

The party was to be just a get-together.  No theme, no games, no activities.  Just a bunch of people talking and hanging out, with the kids running around and playing.  G's dad decided that we should open presents after everyone was gone, as he'd seen this at some other kids' parties and liked it.  I like it, too, in theory.  However, the theory failed for us.

I gave G his meds at 9:00.  Early enough to kick in for church, late enough to cover the party.  All planned out.  I took G to church to participate in the summer Hogwarts program.  We arrived home at noon, knowing that the party was to start at one.  Yaya (paternal grandmother) was already there, and G's dad was cleaning up.  (There was a definite advantage to going to church yesterday!)  G immediately upon arriving home decided he wanted to open his presents from Yaya.  I had explained in the car on the way home that we would be opening presents after the party.  I explained it again, as I was trying to get some food prepared.

Cue perseveration.

Knowing the presents were around took over.  Between 12:30 and 1:00, he asked no less than ten times to open his presents from Yaya.  When told no, each time, there was a crying jag.  Gram (maternal grandmother) showed up at 12:45.  With presents.  More asking to open presents.  More crying when I said no.  We attempted to distract with swinging outside and playing Battleship (I can't take that- ships get moved.  No fair!)

At 1:00, guests start to arrive.  With presents.  G announces that we aren't opening presents until after the party each time someone hands him a gift.  The kids go upstairs to G's room.  Every five minutes G comes downstairs to stare longingly at the pile of presents.  He asks to open them.  I continue to say no.  He continues to fuss.

Parents stand around and talk, everyone seems to be having fun, and G's dad starts to grill.  G decides he's had enough.  He wants his presents.  He won't go play.  He won't leave the room with the presents.  He can't be distracted.  He can't be mollified.  There is crying.  Screaming.  Laying on the floor flailing.  Fortunately, the other kids think our toys are lots of fun and are in other places in the house playing with them.  But the parents are watching my little darling.

Time to switch the game plan.  I talk to G's dad.  I say I think we ought to eat and open presents.  He says okay, he defers to me.  (My husband is a great guy!)  G wolfs down some food.  Then starts to ask every three minutes to open presents.

Just a few more minutes, dear.  Hang on, the other kids aren't all finished eating.  It'll be very soon.  OKAY.  NOW.  For the love of Pete!

We open the presents.  Even with prompting, there are few thank-yous.  No pausing between opening to admire what's been received.  Just a wild dash to see what's there.  I'm thanking my lucky stars that it'll soon be over.  Presents will be opened.  Obsession with what's inside will ebb.  He'll go back to playing.

Wrong.  Once the presents are open, he's ready for everyone to go home.  There are too many people around, even if they are all the nicest kids and adults I know.  He wants them gone.  Its 2:00.  He's the only one ready for the party to be over.

The next hour is spent trying to convince him to socialize with the nice kids who like his toys and think he's a cool kid.  The other parents tell me that their kids melt down at their parties, too.  They say its his party and he can cry if he wants to.  The kids run around and ignore the six year-old having a temper tantrum about their very presence.

And I just cringe.

We tell him that the party can be over at three.  We finally see everyone out.  Weeks of anticipation for G, hours of prep for us, two hours of trying to convince G that his party is supposed to be fun, and then hours of cleaning and exhaustion for us.  The other attendees were positive about the party.  They like our house, the food was good, the kids had a good time, etc.

3,000 new Legos later, and I'm wondering if I can get away without having a birthday party for him next year.  And feeling like a mediocre mom.